so i haven't updated my story in here. honestly, there is no story. After the 21st I really wanted to make a decision, and I was set on that decision, which was to tell him, tell him my everything. yet, after one very very failed attempt to do so, I haven't been able to speak to him. Lili says that I've always brought conviction to him so that's why he's avoiding me. I don't know what it is, call if conviction or whatever, the point it...we haven't spoken.
funny how this thing I wanted to say could have changed our lives. Yet for whatever his reasons, our lives will continue just as they were. Maybe nothing was to be altered, maybe our lives, the course of them are just were they need to be. Don't know...I think that "maybe" is what had really made it clear to me that I wanted to tell him. Because I didn't want to think about this in the future. I didn't want to think of the "maybe's" of the "what-ifs"....
but I tried. I cannot say that I just sat back and did nothing. I tried. and if one day he finds out, he won't be able to ask me why I never told him. Yes, i could have told him sooner, but once I wanted to tell him, he wasn't there anymore.
I keep hoping (pathetic maybe)...but I keep the small hope that my phone will ring and it will be him. and in that conversation I'll tell him everything that has been inside me for all of this time. I'll say I'm sorry for pushing him away and making him think he was not for me. Making him even feel less of himself. I'm sorry.
but time has passed, little less than a month really. and i can now walk and continue with my life without allowing all of this situation weighing over my shoulders. i have peace. By that I don't mean that I feel nothing and i'm completely fine. no. what I mean is that regardless of the outcome, i have peace in knowing that i am being taken care of. that i will love again and most importantly, that i will be loved again.
so this is me.
so this is me now.
pics from Mexico Outreach
I can't believe Mexico Outreach has come and gone. This year was a time of confirmation for me. It was a great trip with the team from Berkeley. Man i love that team. They inspire, they've inspired me from the first day I met them.
