The AFTERMATH

God is truly, I mean truly AMAZING! He always does more than one imagines and He sure has proven that to me time after time. How is it that I still fall into doubt? How can I possible doubt that He always is taking care of me? that He is working even while I do not see it or feel it! AH! i'm in aww of what you He has done, of the healing that took place!

I feel as if I had been walking around with an unknown wound and not realizing that it was taking my life away. Why do I say that? Because He has begun the healing of that wound. I guess I had grown accustomed to that wound that I didn't realize the difference in having it there or not. I'm healed though! and that alone, being able to say that causes so much joy in my soul. I know that it was not in my own strength that that unknown wound went away. And I say unknown, because this whole time I thought I didn't have any more wounds left because of you. I thought I was fine. But now, the aftermath, lets me see that there was part of that wound left in me. Because what my spirit is living right now, what my soul and my heart are experiencing is NOT what I had been living. I feel as if once again, He is giving me a new life. And I come to realize that a couple months ago, he began giving me that new life, he began restoring and renewing me then....but oh, He was not done with me, not at all.

It was Him who ordained all of it to happen, I cannot take credit, I can't. Friend, let me tell you that as every single word was spoken, any anger, resentment, pain, bitterness or unforgiveness that might have still been in our hearts, was taken away as every word continued to come out. Who does that? who can do that? only God can! its all Him.

I want you to know that it might have taken a couple years to come to this, but now I can't think of that pain or resentment. I can't remember the feeling of it. I feel like a new person. Is this what it feels like to have a burden taken off of you? WOW! I love it. I don't have anything hindering me. Did we actually allow all of this to linger on this long? You mean to tell me we could have felt this a long time ago? Well maybe not. We weren't ready for this, we weren't ready to accept the consequences. Perfect example: Yes, i had forgiven you, but I had never told you. I didn't want to have to face you, because I didn't want to have the "aftermath", the "then what". And yet, I wrote that blog, but it didn't mean I wanted to contact you directly. In a way it was sort of just letting it out there, so I could say "I did my part....be blessed, have a great life!" That was me still showing that I wasn't ready. That I was scared of what the consequence might be. And yet you surprised me, you completey caught me off guard by your reply. I might have taken the step into restoration, into healing all of this....but you decided to walk through it.

Thank you for all that was said. Thank you. I'll hold those words dear to me probably for the rest of my life.

Lord, "you give and take away...my heart will choose to say blessed be your name!" You sure gave me, you gave me a great friend, and you allowed them to be taken away. Lord, I choose to tell you blessed be your name. I know that what we are to have now will be greater than what we had in the past. (Haggai 2:9) I have faith Lord that you will restore what was broken and you will give life.

Do you know what I think. I think we'll both end up using all of this experience in our ministries. People will be blessed by it, I know it. Truly amazing.

Letting go of you

for some strange and twisted reason, we hang on to things or even people that have caused us pain. And regardless if you've heard apology after apology, those words are empty. But why not just let them go? why not just free yourself from that? Why are we stubborn to hold on?

I don't desire to ever feel the way I had felt. I felt betrayed. If you really knew me, you'd know that. But you knew that, didn't you? You knew exactly what you were doing. I had too many words in my head, too many things that were said. I couldn't let go. The pain was my excuse, you see. Excuse to not have to deal with you or anything to do with you. How could I face someone who had caused me so much pain? And not just once, but time and time again? someone who had already said forgive me time and time again? they didn't deserve me being there for them? but yet that was the pride speaking in me, wasn't it? oh that pride that has lingered in our lives for so long. Why did I have to confront you again? why did I have to bend my arm again? why? So, the pain was my excuse. Pathetic, I know.

Well, here we are. Many times I said that there was no chance at all, no possibility of this being mended. But we are both being led to the places God has for us, and we can't continue with all of of this. We can't take undealt baggage. Remember, "with what authority are we to speak?"....I didn't want to continue living with all of this. I hadn't dealt with it, I kept leaving it in the back burner, thinking eventually it would go away.

I'm not saying in any way that I'm ready and wanting to deal with it now with you...no no no no....I'm not there yet. But, you at least needed to kow this much....it's a start. I do want you to know that I've let go. I've let go of the pain, but most importantly of you. I waited for a long time for a real apology....but for now I need to do my part. To truly free myself from all that was in me that was holding on to the past, to the pain.

Yes I got hurt in this process, yes you got hurt in the process.....but this isn't about us, it never has been. It was always about the dream. And the enemy sure did not want that fulfilled. Yes, we were like lamb to the slaughter.....that was perfectly put. But we are not destroyed. We will fulfill our destinies, we will see that dream and so many others fulfilled. There is no doubt in my heart or spirit about that. Its all part of the preparation is it not? Now it just has other branches, but with or without us, it was going to come to pass. And it is.

I believed in you from day one. I wonder if you believed in me?

So since I don't have the courage to face you, and well, you don't have the courage to face me either. By this I let you know that I've read and asked myself what I needed to do. This isn't much, but you needed to know that I've let go. That when you're out there, yeah, know that you have some unfinished business to take care of, but no longer is it a burden or something holding you back, no longer is it something that is stoping your from speaking and doing, you are free. And no longer is this a reason for the enemy to try an attack you or your thoughts. Because if he does try, you know that its not true. Seventy times seven right? And so, I forgive you. I forgive the pain and tears you caused. I too want to just be free of all this. I want to be free of unforgiveness in my heart. You were the last one on that list for a reason! God has a great sense of humor! I let you go.

I know some might not understand why I just wrote this, and some are probably thinking that its about time! I don't know why now, but I felt I had to. Have I made sense? oh I hope I have. Its late, but before letting this night end, I wanted to write this and hope that soon you'll get to read it. God is great and faithful.

Praise You in this storm

Lord all praise be unto you. I've been uncertain of a lot of things these past couple weeks. It took me a while to accept my uncle's passing. I couldn't understand it. It was not what I thought was going to happen. So when I would be in my office, if I was just there waiting on a doc or whatever, if I would start thinking of my uncle, or how different things will be from now on in our family....I would feel my eyes get watery. And in those moments, I asked why. Why Lord?

I realize that it becomes easy to say that we will praise God in every an any situation. Its hard! Its hard to do that when your mind and heart tell you otherwise. Your mind is thinking logical and your heart emotional! but what would the spiritual say? the spiritual would say, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart".....

I'm learning yet again. So then my co-worker mentioned the following song. And the words are amazing. Its about giving praise even when things are not going as planned.

So lord, things are not going as planned for me or the family. But Father, all of the praise be to You! Do whatever it is you want to do. Heal us Lord. And let these words become a part of us, become a part of our faith, our thinking our doing.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and It’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I'm with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Inspired by a ballad

Sometimes certain songs/lyrics are just perfect.....for example:

Buenas noches, mucho gusto, eras una chica más.
Después de 5 minutos ya eras alguien especial.
Sin hablarme, sin tocarme algo dentro se encendió.
En tus ojos se hacia tarde y me olvidaba del reloj.

Estos días a tu lado me enseñaron que en verdad
no hay tiempo determinado para comenzar a amar.
Siento algo tan profundo que no tiene explicación.
No hay razón ni lógica en mi corazón.

Entra en mi vida, te abro la puerta.
Sé que en tus brazos ya no habrá noches desiertas
Entra en mi vida, yo te lo ruego.
Te comencé por extrañar,
pero empecé a necesitarte luego.

Buenas noches, mucho gusto
ya no existe nadie más.
Después de este tiempo juntos
no puedo volver atrás.
Tú me hablaste, me tocaste
y te volviste mi ilusión.
Quiero que seas dueña de mi corazón.

Puente
Entra en mis horas, sálvame ahora
Abre tus brazos fuerte y déjame entrar.

............

I'm such a girl! But I hadn't heard this song in a while, and just now as I heard it, just cause I wanted a little background music while I wrote a friend....it felt perfect. Yes things are uncertain, I'm not sure where things are headed, but there's that feeling and emotion. Can this be headed this way? Could this be it? I've been wrong many times, and last time I really thought it was it, so I've been wrong. All I know, or all I could say is that I'm looking forward to where this will go.

Sorry, I know this probably doesn't make much sense to all of you, but it does to me....hehe...muahhh.

Thanks Pricila

Me despierto en la mañana, para verte pasar,
y tenerte en mi mente por el resto del dia...
Que vida, la mia...
Aun no se tu nombre y ya eres dueña de mi,
y me paso todo el dia imaginando tu risa...
Que vida, la mia...
Nose que hacer, para ser el aire que va a tu alrededor,
y acaricia tu piel...

Solo quiero conversar, solo quiero conocerte,
dame un poco de tu tiempo para convencerte,
Yo solo quiero ser tu amigo, y me muero por salir contigo,
dame una señal, solo dame una mirada,
si tu estas a mi lado, a mi no me importa nada,
ya quiero estar entre tus brazos, y me muero por
probar tus labios, rojos, llenos de ti...
Solo dime que si...

Me desvelo en las noches para pensar en ti,
y si duermo solo sueño con tener tus caricias,
Que vida, la mia...
Tengo todo este amor y solo es para ti,
y yo solo me conformo con mirarte otro dia,
Que vida, la mia...
No se que hacer para ser el aire que va a tu alrededor,
que acaricia tu piel...