Letting go of you

for some strange and twisted reason, we hang on to things or even people that have caused us pain. And regardless if you've heard apology after apology, those words are empty. But why not just let them go? why not just free yourself from that? Why are we stubborn to hold on?

I don't desire to ever feel the way I had felt. I felt betrayed. If you really knew me, you'd know that. But you knew that, didn't you? You knew exactly what you were doing. I had too many words in my head, too many things that were said. I couldn't let go. The pain was my excuse, you see. Excuse to not have to deal with you or anything to do with you. How could I face someone who had caused me so much pain? And not just once, but time and time again? someone who had already said forgive me time and time again? they didn't deserve me being there for them? but yet that was the pride speaking in me, wasn't it? oh that pride that has lingered in our lives for so long. Why did I have to confront you again? why did I have to bend my arm again? why? So, the pain was my excuse. Pathetic, I know.

Well, here we are. Many times I said that there was no chance at all, no possibility of this being mended. But we are both being led to the places God has for us, and we can't continue with all of of this. We can't take undealt baggage. Remember, "with what authority are we to speak?"....I didn't want to continue living with all of this. I hadn't dealt with it, I kept leaving it in the back burner, thinking eventually it would go away.

I'm not saying in any way that I'm ready and wanting to deal with it now with you...no no no no....I'm not there yet. But, you at least needed to kow this much....it's a start. I do want you to know that I've let go. I've let go of the pain, but most importantly of you. I waited for a long time for a real apology....but for now I need to do my part. To truly free myself from all that was in me that was holding on to the past, to the pain.

Yes I got hurt in this process, yes you got hurt in the process.....but this isn't about us, it never has been. It was always about the dream. And the enemy sure did not want that fulfilled. Yes, we were like lamb to the slaughter.....that was perfectly put. But we are not destroyed. We will fulfill our destinies, we will see that dream and so many others fulfilled. There is no doubt in my heart or spirit about that. Its all part of the preparation is it not? Now it just has other branches, but with or without us, it was going to come to pass. And it is.

I believed in you from day one. I wonder if you believed in me?

So since I don't have the courage to face you, and well, you don't have the courage to face me either. By this I let you know that I've read and asked myself what I needed to do. This isn't much, but you needed to know that I've let go. That when you're out there, yeah, know that you have some unfinished business to take care of, but no longer is it a burden or something holding you back, no longer is it something that is stoping your from speaking and doing, you are free. And no longer is this a reason for the enemy to try an attack you or your thoughts. Because if he does try, you know that its not true. Seventy times seven right? And so, I forgive you. I forgive the pain and tears you caused. I too want to just be free of all this. I want to be free of unforgiveness in my heart. You were the last one on that list for a reason! God has a great sense of humor! I let you go.

I know some might not understand why I just wrote this, and some are probably thinking that its about time! I don't know why now, but I felt I had to. Have I made sense? oh I hope I have. Its late, but before letting this night end, I wanted to write this and hope that soon you'll get to read it. God is great and faithful.