I came across this tonight and it really made me smile. Not just smile, it made me more hopeful. It brought me some sort of relief. Relief in knowing that I'm not alone here! why? because I feel that what I envision for a church is NOT what people around me see. But I don't like the current church structure. I want to just allow God to do what he pleases regardless if its not what we had planned for that service.
I want this to feel real, and not rehearsed. I want things to be pure from our hearts and not a show. I want intimacy. I want myself and the people around me to fall in love every single day with our God. And that love will change us and will change the way we live and treat one another.
So after watching this video, it brought joy to me to know that their are others that have felt what I have felt and are doing something about it.
But what am I to do?...I guess that's what I'll figure out. but for now, if this is able to play....watch the video! if not, here's the link: http://www.h2hfiles.info/interviews.mov
I'm not alone!
San Francisco
Went on a little road trip this past weekend. It was quick but fun. Went to San Francisco/Berkeley. I love this city, really, its so different from San Diego. Anywho, it turned out to be a great trip. My brother, Sam and Tavo had never been to SF, so it was good to see their faces as they saw everything. Even while they got winked at in Castro St. hehehe. And I don't know if it'll go down and the first to do it. but Tavo mooned San Francisco, yup, he did. good times. 
I can say that we had fun in all the places we went to. Walking all around Alamo Square looking for the "Full House" house. Having the guys yelling, "where are you Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen?"....or them saying, this isn't it....then daring them to ask a random person in the park if "they" knew where the full house was at. They did. It was actually one of the first houses we walked through.
Cheers!
What is it?
I wish I could write something great. something that would make me feel content about life right now. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong going on. Actually things are good. Work is good. I mean it is. I wake up every morning (remember I am NOT a morning person) yet I get ready and go to work. I go to my office and enjoy being there. So yes, work is good.
Church, I'm excited, right? I mean we finally have our own building, we're remodeling...I'm supposebly in charge of the colors and decorations for the reception.....that's great right? I'm singing in the worship. Some Sundays the worship time is simply amazing. But why don't I truly get contentment as a whole during the whole service. Not just during worship, but during the word?
I think i found my uncontentment.
O.S.E.A. that's another thing. I wish I could do it all. I wish i could go and come as i please. I wish i had all the finances together and travel and give and serve. I wish I didn't have to rely on others. I wish I could just do it. Can I just do it? no. Maybe its supposed to be a yes, but life happens. I have to responsibilities that tie me to San Diego.
I want to travel. I want to be able to just be able to get on a plane and go. Be it for one of my best friends' wedding, or go to a nation. But the feeling of going, I need that. I don't like feeling that I'm just here and that's it. Sometimes I wonder if I'd feel this way if I'd never gone to CFNI. Well, no point in thinking that since I did go, and now I'm this way. Now I want certain things that my surroundings do not provide, do not fill.
I want to many things and i need to learn how to do one thing at a time. I don't have to have everything done at once, one thing at a time Johanna. For now, that's all I've got.
oh...here's a picture of Toby. can't believe he's been in my life for a whole year now.
still the one.
This night is a night of memories, of what ifs. If you could be with the love of your life, would you? After almost 10 years, would you take that person into your life? I was watching this "telenovela"....I know I know. Anywho, and this couple was reunited after 10 years. One thought the other one had died, and tried reliving her life but never felt that love again. Everyday she yearned to see him again, to be with him again.
At the end of it, they asked normal people walking the streets if they would go back with their love of their life after 10 years. All said yes. And it got me thinking, would I?
And as those people answered, I felt myself answering along with them....as everyone men and women answered "yes". Yes, i would. These people were of all ages, married, so the excuse of me still being single has nothing to do with it. I would.
could it be the feeling or the thought of the unknown. We already know what our lives are like without them, well what would they be like with them in it. If our decisions would have been to stay by their side.
Its also knowing that you've made so many wrong decisions along the way, that now you look back and wish you could undo some of those decisions. Why? because bigger ones have come and you are able to see that staying with that person was not as dramatic as you made it out to be. That you've had to face tougher decisions, you've had to live life....and being with that person was not a bad thing as people made it out to be.
I'm sorry. I wasn't ready maybe you see, to understand that somethings just can't be undone. I always thought I'd have another chance, but that one just didn't come. Or maybe it did, but I was too caught up to notice.
I guess with all of this, I just wanted it out there that I'd take you back in a heart beat. I would want all those dreams we talked about, to come to pass with each other. Hey....thank you. Because you set the bar up high for the rest who have come my way.
what's my reason for this blog. none whatsoever. just letting some things out there. And please, if anyone else other than this person ever reads this....its not you. This is to the person that changed my life and heart since '96. still the one.