taking that risk

I want to say that ever since the 21st everything is great. But reality is that it hasn't. My body is aching, really it hurts. My emotions are all over the place, I cant stop thinking, thinking of everything and every little detail of this situation. What am I really supposed to do? the few that I've told the situation to, tell me "tell him", "he has to know before its too late", "he doesn't know he has you as an option", "you're going to loose him anyways"....

but obviously all of this is easier said than done. When they've told me this, I know where they're coming from, I know why they want me to do this, but it means that I have to open my heart, let it all out, make myself vulnerable and wait to see what he'll do with it. And I know that I could stay quiet and let it be and accept the fact that regardless of the reasons, he chose her for whatever reason. Yes, he didn't know I was an option, I had made that clear, but if he was feeling what I was feeling, wouldn't he have risked it and told me. Was I not worth that risk? but see, that's when I ask myself, "is he not worth that risk?"....and he is.

And is he? he's not what I imagined I wanted growing up. But that's the thing, he isn't a dream, he's a reality. He became my closest friend. He became the person I knew without a doubt that I could count on. Someone that would be there to listen to anything I had to say. Someone that doesn't give up, he's a hard worker and looks to become more. Someone I know I would be able to share every detail of my day with and he would listen and smile. Someone I wanted to take care of, someone I wanted to show how much he was worth every day. And if he felt like giving up, remind him that I believe in him and I would be by his side every step of the way to get to where he needed to be. Someone that I knew would be my number one supporter. Someone who would dream with me, and regardless if they weren't his dreams, he would support me and be a part of them, and make that dream a part of his own dreams.

So is all of this worth not taking that risk for? Am I really supposed to let it go? I don't know. I've asked God to give me peace. To give me the words when that day comes when I do speak. But its hard my friend, its hard. Maybe its my past that has kept me quiet. Its my past repeating itself and reminding me of the outcome I had to live. Say a prayer for me, I need guiadance, I need wisdom.

really? is this really happening again?

ever feel like you continue to live the same experience over and over again? well, today it sure felt like that. What am i talking about, I'm talking about me and relationships. The first person i fell in love with, well to make a LONG story short, we took a "friendship/break" period and he met someone and got engaged. Later on he ended up getting engaged to someone else, but the point is, he got married. OK, that happens no? well...then, after I think I've surpassed that and I'm all healed and all I meet someone else, I honestly thought he was really the one. LONGER story short, I encouraged him to go to do a training out of the country (ministry wise) and well, what did he have to tell me when he got back?...well, he met someone in that trip and eventually what happened?....they are now married. And well, then a friend came back into my life. We were just that and after a while, what do you know? something began to stir in me, and I thought that in him as well. Wait, I didn't "think", there was something happening in both of us. This is somone I didn't think of as a partner, he was just a great friend, But then I started being able to see a future with him. I could see us helping and encouraging one another to serve and have those dreams that God had placed in our hearts come to pass. Well, another LONG story short. This morning he calls to let me know he just got engaged this past weekend.

Now, really, really.....WHAT THE CRAP!

So now, what? should I just deal with it and move on, or should I let him know the truth. That something changed along the way and I know I made him think that I didn't see him in that way, but I do, and I have. I don't want to have any more "what if's" in my life. He mentioned the wedding, what if i did go, would I be able to just sit there and wonder what would have been if I had told him the truth? Is this really the person I want to be with for the rest of my life? or am i to let it go and wait for the next one? AHHH. ok. there's obviously way more to this, but for now this is all I can write. I just can't believe that once again this is the story of my life. what's that? I prepare them for marriage. true story.

to do or not to do?

I just got back to work, changed and took toby out on his walk. I'm resting for just a couple minutes and trying to clear my head before I head out to practice.

Do you ever have the feeling, of course you do...but the feeling when you're trying to help someone, you're trying to help them make the right decisions, yet they don't see it. I know that people need too make their own mistakes to learn, but really? reallly? Maybe its a little drastic, but does someone need to shoot someone to know that you can kill them? of course not. You just know that you're not going to go around shooting someone!

Maybe I am being a bit over-protective, but if I sit back and do nothing, I'm worried that they'll be consequences. Consequences that will hurt, that will take time to heal, that will change the course of people's lives. And at that point, what would I be able to do? just tell that person that I should have said something, but I didn't?

And so, for the meantime, my head is full of thoughts and worry. I don't know how to face this. I know I'm not facing it correctly, but as of now I have no idea of what to do or how to do it. We'll see, I'll see.

Extranando Barcelona

Bueno bendita, querias que escribiera, pues aqui me tienes. Solamente que no se que escribir. Me encuentro extranando cada dia mas a barcelona. Yo se que tu quicieras estar aqui, pero jo tia, como quisiera yo estar alla. Tienes un grupo de gente extraordinarias alrededor tuyo. Se los dices eh. Convencelos que agarren myspace para poderlos ver por aqui.

Pero si bendita, como extrano estar alla.

Y como estan los muchachos espanoles? lo que diera por estar una ves mas en el carro todos juntos manejando por las calles de barcelona, buscando un bar de karaoke. Osea neta, si hubiera tenido mas dias, si hago que el nino cante!

Joooo, y el andar en moto!!!! hahaha. Deberas que ya en la noche si que estaba agarrandole la onda a como dar las vueltas. Ya ni tanto miedo tenia. Bueno, solo que no nos volvieran a parar los policias para hacernos soplar!!! porque otra de esas no pudiera soportar. Que se me paro el corazon nina, la neta que se paro.

Y a brindar! sentarnos en la mesa, con todos alrededor y brindar por cualquier cosa que se nos ocurriera.

hehehehehehehe, y cruzar los dedos cada vez que nos metiamos al carro de tu madre. Como anda el carro por si? Sabes, cuando tu mama nos llevaba al aeropuerto, osea, deberas que en una de esas el carro se oyo como que ya andaba queriendo hacer lo que te hacia a ti. Que susto.

Y quedarnos hasta las 5 o 6 de la manana despiertas, sabiendo que solo tendremos 3 horas para dormir. OHHHH, y tu bendito despertador. La madre que te pario. No manches, deberas que necesitas un nuevo sistema, porque ese....MATA! no manches bendita, no manches.

Todo nina, todo extrano. Solo se que esta vez si que vienen para san diego. Ya, a buscar boleto se a dicho. Ya. No te recuerdo que si que has viajado, pero no para san diego! OSEA.

Bueno. Ahora se queda esto por escrito. Unos de mis muchos recuerdos de barcelona. Saludos a todos/as. realmente los extrano.