taking that risk

I want to say that ever since the 21st everything is great. But reality is that it hasn't. My body is aching, really it hurts. My emotions are all over the place, I cant stop thinking, thinking of everything and every little detail of this situation. What am I really supposed to do? the few that I've told the situation to, tell me "tell him", "he has to know before its too late", "he doesn't know he has you as an option", "you're going to loose him anyways"....

but obviously all of this is easier said than done. When they've told me this, I know where they're coming from, I know why they want me to do this, but it means that I have to open my heart, let it all out, make myself vulnerable and wait to see what he'll do with it. And I know that I could stay quiet and let it be and accept the fact that regardless of the reasons, he chose her for whatever reason. Yes, he didn't know I was an option, I had made that clear, but if he was feeling what I was feeling, wouldn't he have risked it and told me. Was I not worth that risk? but see, that's when I ask myself, "is he not worth that risk?"....and he is.

And is he? he's not what I imagined I wanted growing up. But that's the thing, he isn't a dream, he's a reality. He became my closest friend. He became the person I knew without a doubt that I could count on. Someone that would be there to listen to anything I had to say. Someone that doesn't give up, he's a hard worker and looks to become more. Someone I know I would be able to share every detail of my day with and he would listen and smile. Someone I wanted to take care of, someone I wanted to show how much he was worth every day. And if he felt like giving up, remind him that I believe in him and I would be by his side every step of the way to get to where he needed to be. Someone that I knew would be my number one supporter. Someone who would dream with me, and regardless if they weren't his dreams, he would support me and be a part of them, and make that dream a part of his own dreams.

So is all of this worth not taking that risk for? Am I really supposed to let it go? I don't know. I've asked God to give me peace. To give me the words when that day comes when I do speak. But its hard my friend, its hard. Maybe its my past that has kept me quiet. Its my past repeating itself and reminding me of the outcome I had to live. Say a prayer for me, I need guiadance, I need wisdom.