why can't you?

I gave you the perfect chance to tell me and you didn't. What is stoping you from telling me? I know there's something there, yet I can't tell you what to tell me.

One day I hope I look back at this and realize that its better this way. You could've just told me, but you choose to hold it in. Well, someone else is letting it out, someone else is choosing to tell me. And even though I have a past with you, you've never told me of a future.

You say I'm like no other, yet you want another. You even said that I'm not there, that I won't go. Well come! I wish you could just tell me. Before I wouldn't have debated, but now I don't know what I would do or choose. But I can say that if you never tell me, my heart will be for someone else.

so far so good...

I met someone. I don't even know how to write about it yet because its been nice. We're very alike, both in our backgrounds, family, interests, desires, beliefs...its been weird at times because of the likeness. I don't know where it'll go, I mean c'mon its only been couple days that I've known him, but so far so good. So far, he's made me smile and laugh and reminded me that there are still guys out theree seeking the face of God, seeking intimacy with God, loving worship, having musical talent and desiring ministry. I just wrote that and couldn't believe I actually met someone like this again. It hadn't since school, but if you know me, well then you know how that turned out! anywho....

Again, I don't know where its headed, for now we both are enjoying getting to know one another. I want to be open and honest. Which so far I have been and he's not freaking out! heheh....so, we'll see.

And the week officially starts...

Its been an interesting week to say the least. I went back to work today and of course I knew that the guys were just going to be great. And they were. I thank God so much for their lifes. Let's see, I kept my appointment to get my hair done. Candice, my hairstylist, was great. When she asked about my week, well of course I had to tell her and she just stopped and asked, "Johanna, do you want some wine???"....hehe, so as usual, I had my glass of wine. Well then afterwards I guess I should mention that i was very relaxed and in a good mood. So who do I decide to call? yup, him. It was brief but I told him what had happend and that I was on my way to pick up my grandma. But there, we spoke. Anywho....so I picked up my grandma and took her our to eat, hehe, it was pretty fun. We were both not really craving anything, and any place I would think of taking her, the thought of the food served in those places would make me do faces! then i thought of Cafe Sevilla...uhmmmmmmm, I thought of eating jamon serrano. That sounded so fresh and light. I tell my grandma and she says that i'm gonna start making her be hungry. So yes, that was the place to go.

Well, we attempted to get there, but I couldn't find parking close enough so that my grandma didn't have to walk much. But it worked out. As I made countless attempts to find parking, my grandma say the downtown life in San Diego. She liked it. She said she had never been to downtown at night. She was just looking out the window trying to look at everything.

I ended up taking my grandma to Extraordinary Desserts. I figured that's the other place I know of that sells some-what of a jamon serrano plate. We weren't really dressed for the restaurant, but I didn't care, I was going to take my grandma there. So we get there and I show her all the dessert display and right there and then she picked the one she wanted to have after we ate.

We ordered our drinks, hehehe, wish were hilarious. I always order the kiwi lemonade, but I figured I would try something new since my grandma was there. I ordered a passion fruit drink. When they brought them, my grandma was the one to try it first, you should've seen her face! the drink was tooo sour. I tried it myself and confirmed that it was! It looked great, sort of a orange/peach color with a pink petal floating on top. Anywho so we ordered our panini's and we got to talk.

Let's just say that my grandma says that she doesn't know what I'm gonna do, but that she wants grandkids. That she mentioned to my mom that she doesn't care if I'm not married. I said WHAT? she's like, no, you can just go get fertilized! NO freakin way! I was laughing. I asked her while laughing if she really was being serious. She's like, well you're not speeding this up Johanna. Obviously I'm not going to get fertilized, but I thought it was hilarious that she thought of that.

So the rest of the night was good. We ate our panini's and then asked for dessert. Which my grandma loved. The whole time we talked briefly about my uncle. Which I had worried about before picking my grandma up. I thought to myself that we were going to go eat and the subject would come up and we would both start crying! But I'm glad that didn't happen. We talked about me and stuff and more stuff, hehe, but we laughed and had a good time.

My grandma is a strong lady. And she said it herself, that she is thanking God for the strength she feels. That its only Him giving it to her, because she knew she couldn't do this on her own. Thank you Lord. Keep my grandma in good health and in good spirit. Help us be strong as well and be of encouragment to her and the rest of the family.

tio...

I wish I could tell you that everything has been great and that nothing has happened. But reality is further from the truth. My uncle, who i wrote about couple blogs prior, passed away this past weekend. I've been saying that I know the "christian/believer" things to say is that it was God's timing, and it was God's will. But honestly, i don't feel this. I feel that this was not the time for him to go!

My uncle's death brings a lot of emotions and changes to the family as a whole. He was always the father figure to my aunts and uncle. Growing up he was the one that was able to study, to finish school and get a degree. He was successful in both family and career.

He encouraged all the family not to live a mediocre lifestyle, to succeed, to be our best, to do whatever it was in our power and reach to be better people, better humaan beings.

During his memorial service and funeral, i was able to see through others that my uncle was all these things mentioned above and more. Important politicians came to the memorial service, professors, business men, his close friends, people he helped, people that worked for him during campaigns, people he touched. The room both in front, back, side, and hall where filled with flowers. OH, we even found out that he made the front page of the newspaper. That reminded me that your life speaks even without you speaking.


I will miss my uncle tremendously. He left behind a legacy, and I want to carry it out. I want to be a woman known for my character and my servanthood. I want to help without expecting anything in return, I want to think of others before myself. I'm saying all this, and I think of him.

By no means was he a saint! but he was a good man. He left behind a wife and two daughters. Who I know will miss him terribly. I hope I can be there for them and my uncle was there for his family.

I know it'll take a while to get used to the fact that he is no longer here. In the meantime, i want to remember him. I want to remember the words he would tell me. I don't understand why this happened. Because I truly felt that we would see a miracle and God would be glorified through it and salvation would come to my aunt and cousins.

But now, I know it'll still happen, but in a different way, through different circumstances, through different situations and people. If I am to be used Lord, use me, prepare me.

I need to trust. I need to remember that he is with the Lord. That he didn't suffer long. Just as when my grandfather passed away, there was no doubt in my heart and spirit that he was with the Lord, that he was right under God's eyes. And that goes for my uncle as well. There is no doubt.

You'll be missed tio. Thank you for all that you did and said. You impacted my mom and aunts and you strengthened my grandma....You left a piece in you in all of us. I can't believe your gone, I can't believe you won't be here anymore. The first one to show up, and ready to eat or watch a movie. Sitting in the couch with your two girls right next to you. Or showing up with your new toy, or talking hours about life. You've inspired me tio, you truly have. I'm proud to be like you tio. I hate goodbyes so I'll leave you with a see you soon. For I know that one day we'll all reunite in heaven in the presence of God. I love you tio, stay with us in our hearts.

reading and thinking

I've been reading "the poisonwood bible" and I must say at times it makes me get mad. Summary of what I've read really short: Minister takes his family to Africa (congo)...they are a missionary family. Story is told by the 3 daughters and the wife. Basically the minister is so set in his ways and what he believes that he judges, and does not adapt to this new culture. He wants everyone in the congo to convert and get babtized. He wants to be their savior in a sense. He wants to show them a way to live. Thinking they don't have what we have here in the states, as in agriculture, crops...etc. because they are ignorant. Yet, it is because of resources yes, but because of different soil, different climate....etc.

In one instance the minister wants to babtize in the lake. Yet the people refuse. He tries and tries and tries, until he is told that one of the major reasons why the people refuse is because just a month before they arrived, a young girl had been killed by an crocodile in that lake. So yeah, people didn't want to go in that same water.

But even after hearing this, he still did not get it. His attitude not only separated the people from him, but his family as well. He became sort of a tyrant. Seeing everything that the people did or not do as something vile.

People are close minded a lot of the times. Thinking about it, they are close minded both in and outside of the church. People outside of church, having their set ways in what they think church is like, what they think God is like, or what they think their life would be if they gave God a chance. and people inside of the church community is set in their way of doing things. They forget mercy and grace. They forget that those two things were shown and given to us by Christ. We see someone in sin and most of the time judge. We see the things of "the world" based on past generations, past decisions made by previous church leaders...regardless if it is completely opposite of what Christ would do.

We want to be Christ like, yet only by words. When we are placed in a situation to really show Christ, we just sit back and do nothing.

I'm just thinking based on what I'm reading. Its a book that makes me think of what my future and even my present will be like. I want to go to the nations, I want to go and serve. But one thing I never want to forget is that I will not be giving my own ideas or my own conclusions. I never want to be so stuck in my own ways that I don't see the need that is around me.

here we go

My friend just called. I feel bad, but I did make it sound like I didn't want to talk. So he said he would just call me later then.

I feel bad. I was scared. Scared of knowing that if I spoke to him right now, some of the things I wrote in here would come out. I don't think I'm ready for that.

And I feel bad for cutting him off. I hate making someone I care for feel like this. I don't like making people feel unwanted, unappreciated. When you're in my life, hopefully if my close friends are reading this. I try and make you as comfortable and welcome as possible...I like people feeling like "family".

I wish I could be honest with him and tell him what I've been feeling, but there is no point to that. We are just friends. Why am I making this so complicated????

Moments like this, I do wish I was back in Dallas. Back there, I was surrounded with my girlfriends and my guy friends. Anything going on, we would be there for each other. And if it was one of us doing this crap, then we would just talk about how to get over it.

Great, now I want to talk to him. But its late, we'll talk when we talk. somebody please save me!!! man!

Keeping faith

This picture is of my uncle tonight. hehehe. My lil' cousin had this hat there, and she was playing with my aunt putting on top of her head. Then my uncle took it, put it on and showed her how it did fit him, and asking if it was a good look for him...hehe, it was a good laugh. Today was a good day.

We Just came back from having dinner. Afterwards we decided to go over my aunts house to visit one of my uncle. My uncle is staying the whole week here. Let me backtrack a bit here. My mom's older brother was diagnosed with cancer back in March. He's been coming to stay with the family on the weekends, so we've been able to see the effects of the treatment he's been receiving.

The man you see now physically is not the man he was. Now he's weak physically, he can't do little things we so easily take for granted. This has been hard on the family. If you would meet my family you would see that we have a young family. My uncle, who is the second oldest just turned 50 yrs old this past week. Other than my grandfather passing away in 1998, we really hadn't experienced having an ill relative. Especially with this type of illness. So its been coping and all of us learning how to adapt, how to be there for him and his family, how to be there for my grandma. This past week he shaved his hair off, it was different seeing him like this, but he looks good. He has good spirits.

On some days, you see him very weak though, to the point that he can barely walk. To speak he can barely open his mouth to articulate words. He'll fall asleep sitting up next to you while having a conversation. There are more things going on, but I'll spare you guys the details. On other days though, like tonight, he's up and talking about this and that. He'll make a joke, laugh and just be there with you. You see him with somewhat energy and aware of everything going on around him.

The point is, he is not the man we grew up with. He's becoming a different type of man. He is finding himself all over again. He is finding strength and courage that he probably didn't even know he had in him. Even spirtitually, he is seeking the Lord, seeking his will and putting all of this in His hands.

This is where faith kicks in. Because spiritually, from day one, I've told my mom and any family member that brings up this situation that God has total control over this. That I saw this as something that God was allowing to happen so my uncle could turn his heart back to him. (side note: my uncle was actually the first one to accept Christ when he was young, because of him all of the family came to Christ. But then he got too involved in politics and the law that he separated himself from any church and also from anything spiritual)

I believe that God is going to do a miracle in my uncle's life. And his family, my aunt and cousins, will see the Glory of God. I believe this. I believe that God has tried many times and many ways to reach my uncle, but he wouldn't come around. So if with this illness God will bring His son back to him, then He will allow this to happen because He loves him so.

In my spirit I have believed this. And again, that's why I say that this is where faith comes in. Because when you see my uncle during one of the "bad" days, its hard.

You know what? I just remembered this story Hugo used. The back to the future story. I'll write it soon, but for me right now, God just reminded me that if I have seen it, then it will be. No one can move me or make me think otherwise because I have already seen it. Faith.

Here are some pictures I have of my aunts and ucles. The uncle I've been talking about is the one in the red, this is how he looked right until March. The other picture is of both my uncles with my mom. They love my mom. hehe.

Being Irrational...I know

I'm over it.

What am I over? I'm over thinking more of a situation than is necessary. Im over making excuses for people. I’m over thinking that someone out there genuinely desires to talk to me. Here’s the situation that caused all of this. I’ve had a friend calling me almost every single day for a couple months now. And it was nice. I’ve always enjoyed talking to old friends from school. I didn’t want to admit it, but two weeks ago when he stopped calling everyday like he had been, strike one, that’s when I realized that I had enjoyed receiving his phone calls everyday. We wouldn’t even talk about much, but we would talk about everything. If that makes any sense? And so, after he stopped calling I asked myself, “why do I care if he calls everyday or not?”, “he’s just a friend, why should I feel any different?”. And so when I realized that I was questioning my own emotions, I thought “this is a good thing then, its good that he doesn’t call everyday, I don’t want to feel this”…I was getting used to him calling and I shouldn’t have. He is just a friend, nothing more. So by him not calling anymore I was able to be and feel just like I did when he wasn’t in my life. Fine, ok….I was fine.

But then he calls me and leaves a message saying he was calling because he saw that I had called! So he wouldn’t have called me if he wouldn’t have seen my number in his cell? Strike two. I had said I was fine right? Well, this made me start thinking too much again, asking myself questions I had been asking for the past 2 weeks. I shouldn’t care so much. I shouldn’t think too much into it. It means nothing.

Then we finally do get to talk and he already knows this, but when I’m home he calls me to my house number since I have bad reception with my cell. But did he ask to call me at my house like he usually does? No. Its fine. We’ll talk on my cell. We’re talking on my cell, and it cuts off. I call back, and he mentioned calling me back at my house number, I’m thinking this is what we always do. So ok. Did he ever call? No. Strike three.

I’m over it.

This is the reason I don’t let many in. Yeah, maybe I’m being a little irrational. I’m probably making a bigger deal of this than what it is. I am aren’t I? But I’m not going to tell you that I don’t care. No. The conclusion now then is that he is just a normal friend, like any other friend. We’ll talk once in a while to catch up and sometimes it’ll be weeks that we don’t hear from each other and it’ll be fine.

He called couple of times after tonight, but I couldn’t answer. He text me writing that he tried calling but the phone was busy the other night. Hmm….funny that I had the phone with me the whole time. Whatever. I’m over it.

Men and women react different to things, I know. The thing also is that now I ask myself, why did he call everyday? Do you guys do that with any friend?

AH! I’ll stop. Yes, I’m being difficult. I’m a girl. I’m being honest though, this is how I have felt. I'm noticing that I wrote "I'm over it" a couple of times. Sounds like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm over it huh? seriously, why do we react like this?

It reminds me of "When Harry met Sally"...men and women can't really be friends......nevermind. ok...this was a pathetic side of me that I just wrote about. Great! but I have to vent with someone right?

Tonight

So tonight I went out with two of my girlfriends. These two girls have been in my life for a long time now. Well, Pricila and I have known each other even before we were born and Arcelia, for some reason when I think of her, the first thing that comes to mind is using her as an alibi when I was younger. Why Alibi? Because when I was younger my mother mainly had a big issue with me hanging out with one of my guy friends. And well, he had his own apartment, I was there practically every day just hanging out. Anywho, but there came a point when that was just not right anymore in my mother's eyes, so she would call for a million times telling me to go home.

So what did I end up doing from time to time? I would just tell them I was at Arcelia’s house. Obviously I would call Arcelia to let her know I had used her as an Alibi. She would be fine with it and would tell me to say that anytime I needed to. Don't you just love her?

Anywho, so it was good to see them both in one place. The only thing missing was a glass of wine! ok…. In all honesty, when I hang out with those girls, I feel my age. I guess I always felt that until I left to Dallas. Once I was there, everyone, even my best friends now are younger than me. And that was the first time that happened. I guess when you continue to grow up, the age number stops mattering as much, but I know I felt it, and still do at times. So that’s that. Just trying to get in the rhythm of this blogging thing. Well, the picture here is from last year...Arcelia took some pictures yesterday, which one of them is identical I think to this one here. bye guys!

Thinking

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:11-13

I have this scripture saved on my desktop, and usually every day I open it to read it during my work day. Every time I read it speaks to me. That’s one of the beauties of scripture I guess. You can read the same verse over and over again throughout your life, and every time it’ll speak in a different way to you.

You know what I just realized? That in this passage, the Lord is saying that He knows the plans he has for us…plans to prosper us and not to harm us. The thing is, it’s a plan, its not something we already have in fulfillment. Then it says, THEN you will call upon me…and all that other stuff. Meaning, when God gives you a promise, or shows you what he has for you, It doesn’t mean we have it made. It doesn’t mean that that’s it, you don’t have to do anything else. It doesn't mean we just get to sit around and watch it happen.

NO! it means that now…call upon him, pray to him, seek him with all of our hearts!...and in the process those plans he has for you will come to pass. But throughout the process, we need to be doing what it says in that scripture after the THEN part.

Many times we don’t. Sorry, not many times, most of the time. We receive this great word, or great revelation, but then we lack on the fellowship, on the communion with God.

So I guess this is even for me. I can’t lack on my relationship with him. I can’t lack on seeking him. Because its me seeking the one who is giving me a future, who is giving me my Life. The one who is loving me so much that he wants to prosper me and not harm me.

Like my dad says, God is more interested in the being than the doing. So its not about having to do these things to receive his promise. But its being that person who desires, longs for that relationship, for that closeness. Anywho…just wanted to put this in writing for myself more than anything.

I don’t want to loose track of what I’m already supposed to be doing. Regardless of the plans, and the promises, I’m still his daughter, and as his daughter, I want to know my father.

sprained ankle

don't quite know what I'm doing in the world of "blogger"...since i mainly blog on my profile on myspace. But anywho..figured I'd give this a try. So topic to start this? While I thought about it, and while writing answers to my information on here....my ankle was feeling a bit uncomfortable. So, I thought of that! my ankle. It still hurts. yes I know, I should go have it looked at because it hasn't completely healed.

Oh, what happened? I sprained my ankle when I went to San Francisco end of April. The night we slept out in Crissy Field, for the Global Night Commute for Invisble Children.....well I didn't know the grass was going to be that wet (yes, its not a very exciting story)...while we were going downhill to see where we were going to lay out our sleeping bags...I slipped! but while taking the fall, I felt something click/tear in my ankle.

We laughed, but when i tried getting up...I couldn't. IT HURT! I mean, it was painful!!!! Anywho, long story short...I did go to the doctor (2 days later)....gave me some pills for the swelling and told me to stay OFF it for at least 4 days. But that I needed to rest for at least 8 days. Did i? nope. I tried the crutches, but those were more uncomfortable than anything. I felt silly using them just for a sprain.

Well, i limped for a long time. and you'll see a pic of David and Thelma here making fun of me. Well, I'm not limping anymore, but I still can't wear anything with a high heel. And its still uncomfortable going down the stairs...and don't ask me to run, because that's just pathetic!



hehe, ok...that's it!