Peace

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

I read this passage in my devotional today, and I realized that this word was for me right here and now. Only God is the one that could have given me such peace, that could have taken all my worries away.

I love you Lord.

A New Beginning

I cannot believe the great and amazing things God is doing in my life right now. This week began with so many questions, with my emotions, my thoughts all over the place. Yet, God not only calmed all that yesterday through an amazing truth a dear friend reminded me of, but then again today he gave me more than i would have thought.

Today we had a woman's breakfast/conference. They had asked me to lead worship. God answers prayers, and today a cry that had been in my heart was answered. I had asked to help me worship him freely, with no reservation, without staying quiet. I feel that after I came back from CFNI this is who I was, I worshiped freely, with no reservation and did not stay quiet. Yet with everything that has happened in my life and around me has changed me in worship. And I had been wanting to get that Johanna back, to no be scared to truly worship the way my spirit was leading me to.

Well this morning God did it. At the end of the time of worship, I stood next to Ernesto, one of our drummers, and he said something along the lines of "wow, johanna, that was something else"....and I didn't have any words. Between inhaling and exhaling, I also told him, "I hadn't done that in a long time, that I was also in wow".....

From there on, God just continued to touch my life. We had these pastors who I had never met (husband & wife) share the word. The wife went up first and she began speaking on emotional health. I felt the word was just for me. She spoke about forgiveness, she spoke about living an abundant life, the life God has created for us, but at times since we want to live with our pains, hurts, betrayals, we don't forgive, we hold the grudge and we are not allowing God to do what he has wanted to do all along in our lives. She truly spoke an amazing word.

Then her husband went up, the pastor, and he continued on the same word. As well, he spoke to my life. At the end, he asked the worship team to go up. He did an altar call and we just began to worship. Then he calls my dad up, and gives him prophetic word. He calls my aunt up, women's director, and gives her prophetic word. The he starts saying my name, He looks at me and calls me to go where he is. And right there and then, God just began to give me word, to confirm his calling, to confirm who I am to him. Then his wife as well begins to give me word from God, and too confirms and brings light to a calling I had asked God to confirm if it was really for me (youth). Guess what, it is so my calling! hehe. I can no longer question it, i can no longer runaway from it. Its time do do God's business, and He'll take care of my business.

So guess what? I'm forgiving, because He's forgiven. Sin is sin. And God doesn't forgive only certain sin, he forgives All of our sins. And so, we are created new, we no longer have that sin. And if God sees us clean, why can't we see each other in this same way.

And so, I forgive. And I let go of the past. And I welcome this new beginning.

Made New

this is going to sound crazy, but I honestly feel like a completely different person. I spoke to my dear my Mina, she gave a very very wise word. After I shared the anxiety I have felt these last couple of days, after I told her my doubts, my questions, my fears she said this word. If he has repented, has God not cleansed him and removed all sin, yet making him new? So if God has forgiven him completely and has created him new, why are you still going to be looking at him as if he still had that sin? Is he not a new creation? Is he not made new?

She nailed it. That word which she spoke brought peace within me. It made me remember that sin is sin, yet when we confess our sins, he forgives, and he makes us new again. So if God has forgiven us, who are we to still judge one another?

Because of this, I also realized that I needed to be different. Because I am not dealing with his past, from this day forward, I am dealing with a new person, a new creation. I will not judge him because of past sins. I will lift him up, and I will speak words of healing, words of restoration, words of peace unto his life.

And I will allow God to be first in my life. Because then I will know that it was He who did all of this in our lives. We didn't do it, it was God because he loves us both.

I love you Lord. I don't know, I really don't know where any of this will go, but I know that you are going to do amazing things in his life and in my life. I lift him up and I declare that he will be the man you have created him to be. And that this time around, during this second chance you are giving us, i will be that encouragement, that friend that he needs.

Give me words of wisdom Lord, allow me to listen, help me to listen. Thank you, because this, what happened tonight, its your truth. thank you.

an I'm sorry

we spoke today. I'm trying to sort through everything, and figure out what it is I want. Do I want you in my life? After finding out that you also had sleepless nights, that you also have felt bad, that you had regret, and that you have apologized many times to me tonight and yet know that I'm not guaranteed to be in your life, I don't know what I want.

I'm divided. A part of me wants to tell you everything once and for all and venture into a new life with you. But the other part of me wants to say that you had your chance, and you made your choice.

but I don't want to complicate things. Should I not allow us to be content? Am I supposed to judge you? Am I supposed to say that you blew it and you are stuck with the consequences?

I need to know what you want out of me, why did you need to reach out to me? why did you need me now? I don't want to be 2nd best, I don't want to prepare you for the next. If I am to stick around, I want to be it, I want to be what you knew you could've had but you chose wrong. You blew it, like you said.

I know it is not your intention to mess with my head, and so I am going to have to be honest to myself. I am going to have to ask you everything that I wondered all of these months.

However this plays out, I am glad you are somehow back in my life. I don't know where this is going to go, I'm not too clear on that yet, but I know its not going to be eight more months to see where all of this will go.

Strength, Wisdom, Courage. this is what I'm asking for.

Beginding

he came back into my life. Last night when i heard his voice on my voicemail, I had so many mixed emotions. I was happy and relieved. Happy to hear his voice again, to hear my name come out of his mouth. Happy to know that he thought of me. And relieved because this was something I had waited for, something that I thought would not come. The day I had only hoped for had arrived.

He moved on and made a decision, and for the past eight months I had tried to move on. I have tried to feel again. I have tried to put on a smile and say that I was over it.

I missed you. And I know I shouldn't, I know you don't deserve the tears coming out of me right now, but here they are. I missed you. And i know there is no way for us to be together anymore, I know this and it hurts, but knowing that their is remorse on your part, that you feel bad, that you have regrets, that helps a little bit.

I so wish you would've tried reaching out to me months ago, eight months ago would've been great. Something different might have been. And so without knowing what it is you have to say, let me write these words. I missed you. And you meant so much more to me than I was ever able to tell you.

Now I just ask God to give me strength. I need strength to get through this one more time. Because I thought you would never be in my life again. I thought I would never hear you say my name. And now you've stirred everything all over again. I'm sorry you're not happy. I'm sorry life is not turning out the way you had hoped. I wish I could say that I would be there for you until the end, but you wrote out our ending eight months ago. Now its time to live a new beginning.

I've missed you and I will always miss you.

2008

Happy New Year!

to say the least, I have to say I'm glad 2007 is over. I'm ready for what God has in stored for me for 2008. Couple weeks ago God said that all of the promises He has given us, we'll see come to pass in 2008. I hold on to that! I say, I believe Lord.

2007 was definitely an emotion year for me. I feel worn out. And so I say, I don't want to be the same. I declare that this new year I will be who God says I am. Yes there will be troubles, but Johanna "head up!". God has given you the strength to face troubled times.

Start writing. I don't mean just here, but start/continue writing songs. God also said that you will record. And I know what I want to record. Even writing that I can't believe it. I really had brushed away any idea of me recording one day....but yes, I am going to record. I will record my a spanish Praise and Worship album, but the worship that I have learned to love. With my songs as well as songs I hold dear. I still can't believe I'm actually thinking and writing about that. More later on about that topic.

2008. Wow, 2008. It will be an amazing year.