an I'm sorry

we spoke today. I'm trying to sort through everything, and figure out what it is I want. Do I want you in my life? After finding out that you also had sleepless nights, that you also have felt bad, that you had regret, and that you have apologized many times to me tonight and yet know that I'm not guaranteed to be in your life, I don't know what I want.

I'm divided. A part of me wants to tell you everything once and for all and venture into a new life with you. But the other part of me wants to say that you had your chance, and you made your choice.

but I don't want to complicate things. Should I not allow us to be content? Am I supposed to judge you? Am I supposed to say that you blew it and you are stuck with the consequences?

I need to know what you want out of me, why did you need to reach out to me? why did you need me now? I don't want to be 2nd best, I don't want to prepare you for the next. If I am to stick around, I want to be it, I want to be what you knew you could've had but you chose wrong. You blew it, like you said.

I know it is not your intention to mess with my head, and so I am going to have to be honest to myself. I am going to have to ask you everything that I wondered all of these months.

However this plays out, I am glad you are somehow back in my life. I don't know where this is going to go, I'm not too clear on that yet, but I know its not going to be eight more months to see where all of this will go.

Strength, Wisdom, Courage. this is what I'm asking for.