Cookaholic

I need to write about what I got to experience yesterday. Yesterday I went to the taping of American Idol. And first let me confess that I am a cookaholic. Since the audition stages, he wowed me. He reminds me of all the frontman I've had the pleasure of seeing when I used to go to shows. It reminded me of one particular frontman that I followed, especially towards the end. The passion in his voice, in his lyrics and the way he delivered a song, all those things I find in David Cook. And knowing that DC also was also in local bands that would do shows, it gives me a little insight in what his life was like pre-idol. Would I had been a fan of DC pre-idol, of course. I know that many of these local bands, which are amazing, dream of making it big, but for some or many it doesn't happen. What does happen? they break up for whatever reason and they live normal lives. Not DC, he will not live a normal live ever again, or at least for a very long time.

I know this is all very pathetic, but I am enamored with David Cook.

OK, so back to yesterday. I went to American Idol and saw all the idols perform. I saw David Cook. I screamed like a little terd as soon as he came out, but I could not help it. I was one of the first ones to see him come out (everyone else is well paying attention to whomever was on stage, I however was keeping a lookout for David) I started saying/yelling "DAVID", he looked and said and waved hi. He is just amazing, brilliant. It was the Andrew Lloyd Webber week, and David sang "Music of the Night". He showed a different side to america. He wasn't doing anything different really, he used to do theater in High School. He was pure, honest, and he sounded amazing. He didn't need the rock style tonight, his voice was enough. And it was beautiful.

I am in cloud nine still. I was telling a girlfriend that I don't mind feeling this way for David Cook. I'm not married, so there is no husband in the picture to have a problem with my recent obsession. Which if I think about it, there must be many wives in the nation right now being fancied by David Cook.

Take 1

i was starting to tell him yesterday and what does he do? he puts me on hold! ok, he comes back to the line I ask if he needs to go, and he says no. So here I go again, and what does he do? asks if I can hold again. He asked if he could call me back tonight or tomorrow. What? tonight or tomorrow? Why not in a couple minutes? I'm sorry, I probably over reacted but I got upset. I told him goodbye and he sounded frustrated and I hung up.

The thing is, I knew it wasn't the ideal timing, but, isn't that what has stopped me from telling him this past 3 months?? I'm not going to get that ideal moment, that ideal time. It hasn't happened. And for whatever reason it seems like old time with him and I. The old times of him leaving me. I don't want to go through that again. And that's why I just want to have this conversation once and for all and let it be.

Since the last time he called, when he told me he had broken his phone, we hadn't spoken since. I asked him, "did you break your phone again?", he laughed and said no. Meaning, he just hasn't called.

What the crap happened? (even that question alone reminds me of a year ago)

I can't and I don't want to live like this. He might be going through all these different situations, and they must be hard and all. But the difference here is that I'll support him during these rough situations for him. But he's letting me live mine alone. Without showing any sign that he cares. And that hurts. That makes me question what the heck am I really feeling and wanting here.

I don't know if he'll call now. I just don't know. But now at least I actually gave my first step in ending all of this once and for all. Ending this state of not knowing and regretting not saying anything.

perfect, he's clueless

Yesterday was the day that I got my phone call. In the back of my mind, I knew this was going to happen. He called yesterday while I was still at work. From that moment, I got so nervous. I mean nervous nervous. I had the chills I even wondered if I needed to throw up! I was freezing cold man....not fun. After I left work and began driving, I called Lili.

Lili wanted to me to hang up and call him. I told her I was too nervous. Long story short, I called him minutes later, and what do you know? he answered! He apologized for not having called me, he broke his phone.

Now I know how that sounds, or maybe you actually believe him. Well, from the way he sounded, I believed him. He was clueless of the many attempts I have had in trying to reach him. He had zero knowledge of the voice mails I have left him, of the text msgs I have sent. If he was lying, there is no way you can be so calm on the phone after having heard some of those vm or texts!

I did however tell him that I didn't know about his phone and so I was pissed off. That to me, it was reliving what I had lived a year ago. He asked what was a year ago, and I told him it was when he disappeared out of my life. He said, "trust me, I'm not getting married!" He did say how he could understand how I was feeling and how I was seeing this. He apologized for that, he said he should have tried reaching me.

Even though I knew I was more than determined to tell him everything, I was so scared. More nervous and unknowing of how to bring it up now that I knew he was completely clueless, and to him it was just another day. So I didn't say anything.

Here's the thing. I still need to tell him. TELL HIM. That has been the constant advise for over a year. The worst part of this whole time is over, the waiting, the not knowing what was happening. Now the hard part is here, the having to tell him everything. I kid you not, when I think of finally saying everything, I get chills. I feel sick to my stomach.

Its gonna happen though, no turning back. Wish me luck.

great

I had to come in here and write. Its probably my fault that I'm thinking so much of him b/c I'm sitting here working listening to somewhat romantic songs. I shouldn't be listening to this music right now, its affecting me! hehe. I know you might think its crazy, but it is.

I'm sitting here thinking of him. Asking myself over and over "what the heck happened?", "where is he?", "when are you going to call me?".

I miss him. Man, I can't believe this. A year ago when he did this to me, it took me a while, but I got over him. I moved on. Did I have regrets? of course I did. Did I regret not having been able to tell him how I felt? YES I did. But I got over it. I moved on. And then, he comes back eight months later!!!??? WTC?!

What did he do? He stirred everything in me again. And he apologized!! I should have just taken his apology and that's it, continue with my life. But I didn't. I gave him another chance, I let him right back into my life. And now, I'm here. I'm here without him. I'm here with questions. I'm here still without having told him what I felt.

Why? Why did you do this to me again? You jerk! you a-hole! (sorry) but c'mon, really? really? are you going to do this to me again? If so, why not be man enough to just tell me and let me go. Don't lead me on, and string me along, get my hopes up, come back to my life, be my best friend again, call me all the time, make me smile, make me dream again, and all for what? for you all of a sudden disappear without a word, without an explanation.

I can't even tell people a lot of this stuff, b/c it makes you look like a jerk. It makes you not deserve me! I forgave, yes. But even when we forgive we are to put boundaries. And maybe that's what I didn't do. I forgave and allowed you to do whatever you wanted, and so these are the consequences.

Oh I can't wait for you to call. Because I know that you're eventually going to call. And that day, during that call, TRUST me, once and for all I'm going to tell you everything. Because this will not happen to me again. I will not live another eight months wondering what could've been. NO! I will not. I can't.

Idiot! idiot. How can you be doing this to me again. What's going through your head? what the heck are you thinking? Idiot.

So, here's to the phone call we'll be having. Sorry its all going to come out at once, but you have given me the reason for needing to tell you everything once and for all.