great

I had to come in here and write. Its probably my fault that I'm thinking so much of him b/c I'm sitting here working listening to somewhat romantic songs. I shouldn't be listening to this music right now, its affecting me! hehe. I know you might think its crazy, but it is.

I'm sitting here thinking of him. Asking myself over and over "what the heck happened?", "where is he?", "when are you going to call me?".

I miss him. Man, I can't believe this. A year ago when he did this to me, it took me a while, but I got over him. I moved on. Did I have regrets? of course I did. Did I regret not having been able to tell him how I felt? YES I did. But I got over it. I moved on. And then, he comes back eight months later!!!??? WTC?!

What did he do? He stirred everything in me again. And he apologized!! I should have just taken his apology and that's it, continue with my life. But I didn't. I gave him another chance, I let him right back into my life. And now, I'm here. I'm here without him. I'm here with questions. I'm here still without having told him what I felt.

Why? Why did you do this to me again? You jerk! you a-hole! (sorry) but c'mon, really? really? are you going to do this to me again? If so, why not be man enough to just tell me and let me go. Don't lead me on, and string me along, get my hopes up, come back to my life, be my best friend again, call me all the time, make me smile, make me dream again, and all for what? for you all of a sudden disappear without a word, without an explanation.

I can't even tell people a lot of this stuff, b/c it makes you look like a jerk. It makes you not deserve me! I forgave, yes. But even when we forgive we are to put boundaries. And maybe that's what I didn't do. I forgave and allowed you to do whatever you wanted, and so these are the consequences.

Oh I can't wait for you to call. Because I know that you're eventually going to call. And that day, during that call, TRUST me, once and for all I'm going to tell you everything. Because this will not happen to me again. I will not live another eight months wondering what could've been. NO! I will not. I can't.

Idiot! idiot. How can you be doing this to me again. What's going through your head? what the heck are you thinking? Idiot.

So, here's to the phone call we'll be having. Sorry its all going to come out at once, but you have given me the reason for needing to tell you everything once and for all.