perfect, he's clueless

Yesterday was the day that I got my phone call. In the back of my mind, I knew this was going to happen. He called yesterday while I was still at work. From that moment, I got so nervous. I mean nervous nervous. I had the chills I even wondered if I needed to throw up! I was freezing cold man....not fun. After I left work and began driving, I called Lili.

Lili wanted to me to hang up and call him. I told her I was too nervous. Long story short, I called him minutes later, and what do you know? he answered! He apologized for not having called me, he broke his phone.

Now I know how that sounds, or maybe you actually believe him. Well, from the way he sounded, I believed him. He was clueless of the many attempts I have had in trying to reach him. He had zero knowledge of the voice mails I have left him, of the text msgs I have sent. If he was lying, there is no way you can be so calm on the phone after having heard some of those vm or texts!

I did however tell him that I didn't know about his phone and so I was pissed off. That to me, it was reliving what I had lived a year ago. He asked what was a year ago, and I told him it was when he disappeared out of my life. He said, "trust me, I'm not getting married!" He did say how he could understand how I was feeling and how I was seeing this. He apologized for that, he said he should have tried reaching me.

Even though I knew I was more than determined to tell him everything, I was so scared. More nervous and unknowing of how to bring it up now that I knew he was completely clueless, and to him it was just another day. So I didn't say anything.

Here's the thing. I still need to tell him. TELL HIM. That has been the constant advise for over a year. The worst part of this whole time is over, the waiting, the not knowing what was happening. Now the hard part is here, the having to tell him everything. I kid you not, when I think of finally saying everything, I get chills. I feel sick to my stomach.

Its gonna happen though, no turning back. Wish me luck.