Take 1

i was starting to tell him yesterday and what does he do? he puts me on hold! ok, he comes back to the line I ask if he needs to go, and he says no. So here I go again, and what does he do? asks if I can hold again. He asked if he could call me back tonight or tomorrow. What? tonight or tomorrow? Why not in a couple minutes? I'm sorry, I probably over reacted but I got upset. I told him goodbye and he sounded frustrated and I hung up.

The thing is, I knew it wasn't the ideal timing, but, isn't that what has stopped me from telling him this past 3 months?? I'm not going to get that ideal moment, that ideal time. It hasn't happened. And for whatever reason it seems like old time with him and I. The old times of him leaving me. I don't want to go through that again. And that's why I just want to have this conversation once and for all and let it be.

Since the last time he called, when he told me he had broken his phone, we hadn't spoken since. I asked him, "did you break your phone again?", he laughed and said no. Meaning, he just hasn't called.

What the crap happened? (even that question alone reminds me of a year ago)

I can't and I don't want to live like this. He might be going through all these different situations, and they must be hard and all. But the difference here is that I'll support him during these rough situations for him. But he's letting me live mine alone. Without showing any sign that he cares. And that hurts. That makes me question what the heck am I really feeling and wanting here.

I don't know if he'll call now. I just don't know. But now at least I actually gave my first step in ending all of this once and for all. Ending this state of not knowing and regretting not saying anything.