basically I find myself missing you.
the oddest thing is that people think that I would miss someone else more than you. I have to stop thinking of the what-if's....there are no what-if's, it is what it is. To this day I try forget you, I try to forget all that happened, and forget what didn't happen. I really am trying to forget. I want to forget. This is pathetic, me being here months later still not having closure.

what is it with me and wanting closure? normal people just move on, don't they? This is a pattern that I feel I've created in my life. Truth is, I do miss you. I still hold this little thread of hope that maybe, just maybe you didn't go through with it and one of these days my phone will ring and it will be you.

Wishful thinking, I know. But that's the truth, that is what still goes on inside of me. Pathetic.

anywho....don't know why i'm writing now, its been forever since i last posted anything. Maybe next time I'll finally say that I'm great once and for all.

slowly

its been forever since i came in here. to be honest, i've wanted to write in here but either out of fear of what i might write, i don't. don't get me wrong, i've been doing well considering mr. got married and we didn't speak ever again since that very last time in march. move on. other than that though, i've been good but (yes there's a but) that feeling hasn't gone away. the feeling of loss, the sadness, the questions, the unknowing. and see, even now as i write this my eyes start burning and they get a little watery. But i don't want to cry! why should i cry? but this feeling lingers on.

I was reading right now how we need to renew our mind and spirit to the likeness of christ. as i read that, i cherished that very thing. to be able to just be renewed and everything that's happend to just wash away. and i know it can happen, i'm just being an idiot right now.

i have the answers right in front of me, yet i am allowing this self-pity. for what? why would i want to feel this way? i don't! so i'll get there, I'll get to the place i know i'm supposed to be. I'll get there....

so this is me now.

so i haven't updated my story in here. honestly, there is no story. After the 21st I really wanted to make a decision, and I was set on that decision, which was to tell him, tell him my everything. yet, after one very very failed attempt to do so, I haven't been able to speak to him. Lili says that I've always brought conviction to him so that's why he's avoiding me. I don't know what it is, call if conviction or whatever, the point it...we haven't spoken.

funny how this thing I wanted to say could have changed our lives. Yet for whatever his reasons, our lives will continue just as they were. Maybe nothing was to be altered, maybe our lives, the course of them are just were they need to be. Don't know...I think that "maybe" is what had really made it clear to me that I wanted to tell him. Because I didn't want to think about this in the future. I didn't want to think of the "maybe's" of the "what-ifs"....

but I tried. I cannot say that I just sat back and did nothing. I tried. and if one day he finds out, he won't be able to ask me why I never told him. Yes, i could have told him sooner, but once I wanted to tell him, he wasn't there anymore.

I keep hoping (pathetic maybe)...but I keep the small hope that my phone will ring and it will be him. and in that conversation I'll tell him everything that has been inside me for all of this time. I'll say I'm sorry for pushing him away and making him think he was not for me. Making him even feel less of himself. I'm sorry.

but time has passed, little less than a month really. and i can now walk and continue with my life without allowing all of this situation weighing over my shoulders. i have peace. By that I don't mean that I feel nothing and i'm completely fine. no. what I mean is that regardless of the outcome, i have peace in knowing that i am being taken care of. that i will love again and most importantly, that i will be loved again.

so this is me.

pics from Mexico Outreach

I can't believe Mexico Outreach has come and gone. This year was a time of confirmation for me. It was a great trip with the team from Berkeley. Man i love that team. They inspire, they've inspired me from the first day I met them.

taking that risk

I want to say that ever since the 21st everything is great. But reality is that it hasn't. My body is aching, really it hurts. My emotions are all over the place, I cant stop thinking, thinking of everything and every little detail of this situation. What am I really supposed to do? the few that I've told the situation to, tell me "tell him", "he has to know before its too late", "he doesn't know he has you as an option", "you're going to loose him anyways"....

but obviously all of this is easier said than done. When they've told me this, I know where they're coming from, I know why they want me to do this, but it means that I have to open my heart, let it all out, make myself vulnerable and wait to see what he'll do with it. And I know that I could stay quiet and let it be and accept the fact that regardless of the reasons, he chose her for whatever reason. Yes, he didn't know I was an option, I had made that clear, but if he was feeling what I was feeling, wouldn't he have risked it and told me. Was I not worth that risk? but see, that's when I ask myself, "is he not worth that risk?"....and he is.

And is he? he's not what I imagined I wanted growing up. But that's the thing, he isn't a dream, he's a reality. He became my closest friend. He became the person I knew without a doubt that I could count on. Someone that would be there to listen to anything I had to say. Someone that doesn't give up, he's a hard worker and looks to become more. Someone I know I would be able to share every detail of my day with and he would listen and smile. Someone I wanted to take care of, someone I wanted to show how much he was worth every day. And if he felt like giving up, remind him that I believe in him and I would be by his side every step of the way to get to where he needed to be. Someone that I knew would be my number one supporter. Someone who would dream with me, and regardless if they weren't his dreams, he would support me and be a part of them, and make that dream a part of his own dreams.

So is all of this worth not taking that risk for? Am I really supposed to let it go? I don't know. I've asked God to give me peace. To give me the words when that day comes when I do speak. But its hard my friend, its hard. Maybe its my past that has kept me quiet. Its my past repeating itself and reminding me of the outcome I had to live. Say a prayer for me, I need guiadance, I need wisdom.

really? is this really happening again?

ever feel like you continue to live the same experience over and over again? well, today it sure felt like that. What am i talking about, I'm talking about me and relationships. The first person i fell in love with, well to make a LONG story short, we took a "friendship/break" period and he met someone and got engaged. Later on he ended up getting engaged to someone else, but the point is, he got married. OK, that happens no? well...then, after I think I've surpassed that and I'm all healed and all I meet someone else, I honestly thought he was really the one. LONGER story short, I encouraged him to go to do a training out of the country (ministry wise) and well, what did he have to tell me when he got back?...well, he met someone in that trip and eventually what happened?....they are now married. And well, then a friend came back into my life. We were just that and after a while, what do you know? something began to stir in me, and I thought that in him as well. Wait, I didn't "think", there was something happening in both of us. This is somone I didn't think of as a partner, he was just a great friend, But then I started being able to see a future with him. I could see us helping and encouraging one another to serve and have those dreams that God had placed in our hearts come to pass. Well, another LONG story short. This morning he calls to let me know he just got engaged this past weekend.

Now, really, really.....WHAT THE CRAP!

So now, what? should I just deal with it and move on, or should I let him know the truth. That something changed along the way and I know I made him think that I didn't see him in that way, but I do, and I have. I don't want to have any more "what if's" in my life. He mentioned the wedding, what if i did go, would I be able to just sit there and wonder what would have been if I had told him the truth? Is this really the person I want to be with for the rest of my life? or am i to let it go and wait for the next one? AHHH. ok. there's obviously way more to this, but for now this is all I can write. I just can't believe that once again this is the story of my life. what's that? I prepare them for marriage. true story.

to do or not to do?

I just got back to work, changed and took toby out on his walk. I'm resting for just a couple minutes and trying to clear my head before I head out to practice.

Do you ever have the feeling, of course you do...but the feeling when you're trying to help someone, you're trying to help them make the right decisions, yet they don't see it. I know that people need too make their own mistakes to learn, but really? reallly? Maybe its a little drastic, but does someone need to shoot someone to know that you can kill them? of course not. You just know that you're not going to go around shooting someone!

Maybe I am being a bit over-protective, but if I sit back and do nothing, I'm worried that they'll be consequences. Consequences that will hurt, that will take time to heal, that will change the course of people's lives. And at that point, what would I be able to do? just tell that person that I should have said something, but I didn't?

And so, for the meantime, my head is full of thoughts and worry. I don't know how to face this. I know I'm not facing it correctly, but as of now I have no idea of what to do or how to do it. We'll see, I'll see.

Extranando Barcelona

Bueno bendita, querias que escribiera, pues aqui me tienes. Solamente que no se que escribir. Me encuentro extranando cada dia mas a barcelona. Yo se que tu quicieras estar aqui, pero jo tia, como quisiera yo estar alla. Tienes un grupo de gente extraordinarias alrededor tuyo. Se los dices eh. Convencelos que agarren myspace para poderlos ver por aqui.

Pero si bendita, como extrano estar alla.

Y como estan los muchachos espanoles? lo que diera por estar una ves mas en el carro todos juntos manejando por las calles de barcelona, buscando un bar de karaoke. Osea neta, si hubiera tenido mas dias, si hago que el nino cante!

Joooo, y el andar en moto!!!! hahaha. Deberas que ya en la noche si que estaba agarrandole la onda a como dar las vueltas. Ya ni tanto miedo tenia. Bueno, solo que no nos volvieran a parar los policias para hacernos soplar!!! porque otra de esas no pudiera soportar. Que se me paro el corazon nina, la neta que se paro.

Y a brindar! sentarnos en la mesa, con todos alrededor y brindar por cualquier cosa que se nos ocurriera.

hehehehehehehe, y cruzar los dedos cada vez que nos metiamos al carro de tu madre. Como anda el carro por si? Sabes, cuando tu mama nos llevaba al aeropuerto, osea, deberas que en una de esas el carro se oyo como que ya andaba queriendo hacer lo que te hacia a ti. Que susto.

Y quedarnos hasta las 5 o 6 de la manana despiertas, sabiendo que solo tendremos 3 horas para dormir. OHHHH, y tu bendito despertador. La madre que te pario. No manches, deberas que necesitas un nuevo sistema, porque ese....MATA! no manches bendita, no manches.

Todo nina, todo extrano. Solo se que esta vez si que vienen para san diego. Ya, a buscar boleto se a dicho. Ya. No te recuerdo que si que has viajado, pero no para san diego! OSEA.

Bueno. Ahora se queda esto por escrito. Unos de mis muchos recuerdos de barcelona. Saludos a todos/as. realmente los extrano.

Missing Spain!

So I was able to go back to Barcelona. I missed being there so much. I honestly can tell you that I fell in love with that city, with those people 2 years ago. And going back and seeing everyone again felt natural, normal. Obviously being with Sandra and being able to just hang out after 2 years, that was great. We had so many things to tell each other, so many updates. So that's on one hand, then there was seeing everyone that I had met 2 years ago. They treated me as if time hadn't passed. They were as amazing, even more, than the last time I had seen them. the last time I had seen a community of people like this is in Berkeley.

Had lots of experiences, say getting randomly selected to take a breatherlizer test! trust me, my heart literally stopped as i waited for the whole ordeal to be over. Oh yeah, i passed!

Overall, my short trip this time around was great. I love spain, I love Barcelona, and I love all of the people and frienships that I've made there. And I would love to write all about it in here, but words really can't describe it. Or at least I don't have the words to describe it. Now that I'm back, I can't wait to go back.

not time

it seems like everytime i remember to write in here "something" is happening. So what's on the agenda? my grandma. My grandma who has been there for me for the past 27 years. The one that has loved me unconditionally, the one that I treasure and admire has been ill. She was taken to the emergency room 6 days ago, she had surgery, her pressure was high, so they couldn't release her. I spent the night with her in the hospital on her final night there and she was great.

The following day I visited her after work, and again, she was great. But then at night she became sick again and again, we headed out to the emergency room. there she wanted to say her goodbyes, but c'mon, its not her time so i reminded her of that. She said that my grandpa and uncle were waiting for her. But i told her that that could not be, because they both know that we need her here.

where i'm tring to get at is that I can't loose her. I can't. Not now, and not any time soon. I love that lady. I love her. She's been my shelter and comfort.

I don't want to loose her Lord. Please give her the strength. its not her time, it can't be.