Ever feel like you've been going through so much that you just need to exhale? As if that breath you're letting out is actually making everything feel better? Well my exhale came. Ever since the beginning of the year when Sandra told me her and Raul had gotten engaged, I was waiting for November to come along to take my vacation.
this trip was special though. We were so ridiculously busy, but I enjoyed every single second. This trip made me feel like I was home and home is were I want to be. I can't possibly write everything in here about the trip, but let me just say that I am happy and exciting of what is going to happen with my life.
Barcelona...finally....
Done.
I guess I was due to come in here again. I've come to the conclusion that I didn't want to come in here to write. I didn't want to have to think of everything that's happened and put it in writing. I didn't want to relive any feelings or emotions.
From reading my last post let me just say this. He's out of my life. And this time for good. Something happened, something finally clicked in my head that allows me to say that I won't allow him to come into my life in that way ever again. I have no regrets, I don't even have questions for him. I'm done with that part of my life. I'm done with that story. I think it played out longer than it should have and there's only 2 people to blame, me and him. And finally I'm able to move on and not wonder what could've been or what could've been said. What's done is done. That's it.
Plain and Simple
I miss you. That's it. That's all. Plain and simple. No run arounds. I miss you.
What happened? oh my gosh, what happened? What's wrong with me? And I mean that in the sense that I don't know why I'm not reaching out to you? Why instead of being here without you, why don't I pick up the phone and call you? Why don't I tell you that I miss you? Why can't I do that?
Is it the fear of looking weak? of looking desperate? I'm not! I'm not dammit! All I know is I miss you. And I think of you every day, in everything I do you're there.
I was scared. I admit that. I was scared of you. Scared of not knowing where we could end up. Because I do care for you so much that I was scared to ruin it. I was scared of loosing you the way I've lost all those that I've loved in the past. But look at me now, I've lost you regardless.
What am I going to do? How long will I continue this to go on? I play the tough card pretty well, but that has only lead me to where I am now. Alone.
Will you be there at the end? Or was our end written a long time ago?
The Unknown
I don't know exactly what I want anymore. I don't know what to tell you that I want because I don't know. I wanted to get all of this over with so I can figure out what I needed to do next, but that didn't happen.
I wish I would've been more open, I wish a lot of things.
Finally, the talk
It happened. After two years we finally began talking of what we've known has been there but we've never said it out loud.
RESERVED
WHAT???? SERIOUSLY!
OK. I'll try to sum this up, because its HUGE! You know how I said that this whole Academia thing was sort-a over, and I was content about it? And how there was no possible way I would win this online voting thins. Well well well. Let me tell you! I went to Monday night with 167 votes. Then yesterday morning I find out that Andres (Posipopo) who went to Christ for the Nations with me sent out a bulletin with the link to my profile to all the contacts on his website called Devocion Total, its a website for independent christian artist. From that point forward, I accumulated over 10,000 votes by 3 pm!!! These votes came from believers all over latin america and abroad. My page has never displayed the comments, but there are thousands of comments (all from one day) of people just blessing me, blessing my ministry and blessing this path I'm taking, and telling me that they think this is a great way to spread the gospel. They are encouraging me and telling me that I will be light in the darkness. That I will represent the light in that place.
By 4 o'clock though, the people of the website removed my votes and left me with a little over 200 votes. I emailed them explaining how it is that those votes came about. That I too was shocked and very touched. They replied letting me know that they just needed to verify that each vote met their requirements. Fine. Well today is a new day and there are over 9,000 votes in again. The majority of the comments are all encouraging me, but there are a few from some believers that are telling me that I'm wrong, that light doesn't mix with darkness, that I'm seeking my own will and not God's, that how can I call myself a christian and be willing to sing songs that are not dedicated to God...etc.
I can honestly tell you that even though this is very touching and overwhelming, I am sitting here now being scared. I started this a week ago with the "why not?" attitude, I wanted the experience and be able to say I did it. I was content and that was going to be that. But now, this has taken a new route. I have a very very very good chance of winning the online voting. The competition in Mexico City would be very difficult.
I want to give this to the Lord. His plans are not our own. And if I was only doing this for the experience, well now its becoming something more than that. I'm just scared and I need all of your prayers. I'm scared that I will not be the typical christian people are expecting to see. I'm scared of being judged, ridiculed, and most of all to mess up (b/c I'm not the perfect christian) and be criticized.
I'm trying to figure what good would come of this. I didn't think that far ahead, I did in a personal level, but not in the level of "I'm representing the christian community". I know I'm probably over thinking this. Thank you Devocion Total!!
Casting La Academia - L.A.
Yesterday after we got back from the preliminary auditions, my mom decided she wanted to come with me to L.A., but that she wanted me to drop her off at the auditions so she could camp out the night. She wanted me to drive to my aunt's house (where I was originally going to stay) and spend the night there and meet her in the morning. (she's a great mom!) Sammi also decided he wanted to come along and drive! (awesome cousin) So I just went shotgun and enjoyed the ride and bed.
OK, when we dropped off my mom there was already about 150 people camping out. Even while I was getting my mom her chair, blanket..etc., a line kept forming behind her. She would stay in good company, another mom and an older contestant. So she would not be surrounded by young kids. She said that the contestants who did stay in line sang all night long!
I met up with my mom at 7 am, and they let us start going inside and get our official numbers at 7:30 a.m. I was number 19274 :D By this time my mom and all other family members had to wait outside the gates, along with remainder of the contestants who were in line out there.
OH wait. At this point I also had learned that I needed to have 5 songs of different genres prepared to sing! arghhh, I only had 1! haha. And believe it or not, I don't listen to spanish music to much, so I had no idea what I was going to sing. (Good thing for my iphone, I started searching lyrics and listening to music)
At this point I was also asking myself what the heck I was doing, there were some amazing voices in the bunch. A lot of hopefuls in line were singing away, and they sounded great.
So there are 4 small tents, inside of each you have either the director of the show, the vocal teacher of the show, the 2 other judges who right now I can't remember what their role is on the show.
I go in. I start singing my song, the judge stops me. He says "ok, I've heard your voice now I want to see you move, interpret. Sing a ballad" I started singing the first song that came to mind, the stopped me and said "another one", I start singing the next song that comes to mind. He stops me again. He says, "do you understand what you're singing? tell me the word of the song"....So I start telling him the words. He says, "I see here that you're 28 yrs old right? I can assume that you've been in love? " I said yes, and I've had my heart broke too. He says "THAT'S what I want to feel, I want you to sing it again but this time make me feel that" I sing it again and he stops me and says "ok. you're off to the next round" :D
I must say it felt pretty good. I could not believe this. By the time I gave my mom the thumbs up she was already on the phone calling my dad and other family members giving them the news. (again, I still could not believe this) haha.
Only 60 people out of close to 2,000 were chosen to go to the 2nd round. Some amazing vocalist did not make it through to the next round so I was a bit intimidated thinking, "what the heck am I still doing here?" hahah.
The next round was going to be held there in a couple of hours. Once the next round started, we were going to go in in groups of 6. This was hard on a lot of people. All of the "Top 3" (40 of them) from the preliminary auditions (we figured out what "guaranteed auditions" really meant) got to go in before us. From them only 4 people made it through to the 3rd round.
We just stood there watching people come out and not making it through. Some crying some just in shock. We went into a mini studio version of the show. The director and one of the main teachers were going to be judging us. They had it set up as if you were performing in the actual show. They had a see through stage, lights, cameras and we were to go on the stage one by one and sing with a mic.
I was the second one of my group to go up. After my whole group performed we all went up to the stage again and they would let us know if any of us made it through. They thanked us all, said we all had good voices and that we did good, but that it wasn't enough. (Don't get sad now!) So they thanked us again and did a Paula on us and told us to continue following our dream.
Soooooo, we all went down the stage, everyone in complete silence, me really relieved, the next round was going to be singing the different genres and dancing! (no one had told me about the dancing! haha) By this time only 6 people had moved on to the 3rd round. From this round, the few that make it through go to Mexico City and audition with the rest that made it through the 3rd round.
I walked outside where the family members were, and nodded no to my mom. A girl told me to go to the last audition city which is this Tuesday, but I won't. It was a very long day guys, it was tiring and its hard competition. I am so happy and in disbelieve that I made it this far! haha. I did it though, I went through the experience and I now have some stories to tell! Seriously I feel good.
So nowI have 1 more week for the online voting, but I seriously think that site sucks. I realized this weekend that it only counts 1 vote per server. So say here at work we have multiple computers...well its really only registering 1 vote from my whole office!!! even though my coworkers are voting from their own computers. So if this is the case, I don't know how I'm going to come up with so many votes in a week! AND I've been trying to log in to my page since Friday afternoon to upload more music but its not allowing me to login, its telling me "sorry for the inconvenience, we'll be back shortly" WTC??? soooooo, I don't want to get my hopes up about the voting thing anymore....the page, their system sucks. I've written them emails and have had no response.
Again, I'm happy that I did this and I'm proud of how I did.
moving on?
Can I just say that this whole new obsession (Yes, I admit its an obsession) I have with David Cook has really made me not think of that idiot. I actually even feel like it didn't even happen. I'm in la-la land everyday because of David that its helped me not have to worry or deal about that idiot.
Maybe its not healthy, maybe its not right. Maybe I'm supposed to deal with the situation and all that....but seriously, seriously....I'm happy! I don't want to worry about that idiot, I don't wan to think of what happened....so far, Im realizing David Cook has helped.
So...cheers.
I Flashed David Cook!!!
I am soooo happy to tell you that I was able to go to American Idol once again. This time around it was Rock and Roll hall of fame week, and the top 3 (cookie) perform 2 songs each. I was so excited. As much as I would have wanted to stand right in middle of the pit, I only saw teenagers there, I for one am sort-a tall and well, not a teenager! ha.
OK, best next thing (other than on stage with him!) is in the front and close to the steps. My plan for this week was to wear my David Cook shirt that I had made which says: "David Cook makes me happy". BUT for idol, based on their rules, you have to dress up, can't wear shirts with logos...etc. I wore a black cardigan on top of my DC shirt. I buttoned it up and no one knew I had that shirt under.
I was able to stand right in front of the steps, and actually later on they put a little girl in front of me. I couldn't argue, given that she was shorter than me. Turned out that the little girl they put in front of me was Ashley (the little girl that cried for sanyeya). OH, I told Ashley and her friend to help me get cookies attention so I could show him my shirt. She agreed.
I must say, I really didn't end up needing their help. Once cookie walked to the stage I yelled his name, he looked at me, I pulled down my cardigan, stuck my chest out and WHAM! HE SAW MY SHIRT! He was taken back that's for sure. He had this priceless expression on his face, I looooved it. As he put his hand on his chest, he smiled, and laughed at the same time. He gave me two-thumbs up, and then he did some motion with his hands, but I don't quite know what he meant by that. (To me, it was a "I'll be back" type of motion!! haha, I can dream right?) He definitely liked it though. I'm so glad!
He did his first song, which obviously I loved. OHHHH, I did yell "We love you David Cook" (for those wordnerds that had asked me to yell that. I also screamed "I love you Cookie".....etc. many many many times. And then, who do you think called him cookie after I had screamed it? Ryan did. haha. cute. When I saw that he called him cookie once again during the live taping, I have to say, I felt a lil' responsible for this. But I will not take full credit.
After David's second song, as he was walking out, there's lots of other people screaming for whoever is on stage or for David himself. I called (sort-a screamed actually) and pulled down my cardigan to show him my shirt again, he looks right at me again and again he put his hand on his chest, and then he put his hands together and said thank you. But the look/expression of his face....THAT I cannot describe...he was genuinely touched. ohhh, i loved those moments!
Anywho....I'm glad I was able to go again and see him, but also thrilled that he got to see the shirt I got made because of him.
And well now I just wanted to share my lil' story with all of you. I didn't actually flash him! haha, but it sure looked like I was! haha. There were other moments that I can write about, like how extremely hot he looked with both his outfits....BUT then this would become extremely long. I'll leave you with the shirt story.
David Cook, "you're awesome!"
- and that was my story. Its going down as a day I will NEVER forget. David Cook truly does make me happy.
Cookaholic
I need to write about what I got to experience yesterday. Yesterday I went to the taping of American Idol. And first let me confess that I am a cookaholic. Since the audition stages, he wowed me. He reminds me of all the frontman I've had the pleasure of seeing when I used to go to shows. It reminded me of one particular frontman that I followed, especially towards the end. The passion in his voice, in his lyrics and the way he delivered a song, all those things I find in David Cook. And knowing that DC also was also in local bands that would do shows, it gives me a little insight in what his life was like pre-idol. Would I had been a fan of DC pre-idol, of course. I know that many of these local bands, which are amazing, dream of making it big, but for some or many it doesn't happen. What does happen? they break up for whatever reason and they live normal lives. Not DC, he will not live a normal live ever again, or at least for a very long time.
I know this is all very pathetic, but I am enamored with David Cook.
OK, so back to yesterday. I went to American Idol and saw all the idols perform. I saw David Cook. I screamed like a little terd as soon as he came out, but I could not help it. I was one of the first ones to see him come out (everyone else is well paying attention to whomever was on stage, I however was keeping a lookout for David) I started saying/yelling "DAVID", he looked and said and waved hi. He is just amazing, brilliant. It was the Andrew Lloyd Webber week, and David sang "Music of the Night". He showed a different side to america. He wasn't doing anything different really, he used to do theater in High School. He was pure, honest, and he sounded amazing. He didn't need the rock style tonight, his voice was enough. And it was beautiful.
I am in cloud nine still. I was telling a girlfriend that I don't mind feeling this way for David Cook. I'm not married, so there is no husband in the picture to have a problem with my recent obsession. Which if I think about it, there must be many wives in the nation right now being fancied by David Cook.
Take 1
i was starting to tell him yesterday and what does he do? he puts me on hold! ok, he comes back to the line I ask if he needs to go, and he says no. So here I go again, and what does he do? asks if I can hold again. He asked if he could call me back tonight or tomorrow. What? tonight or tomorrow? Why not in a couple minutes? I'm sorry, I probably over reacted but I got upset. I told him goodbye and he sounded frustrated and I hung up.
The thing is, I knew it wasn't the ideal timing, but, isn't that what has stopped me from telling him this past 3 months?? I'm not going to get that ideal moment, that ideal time. It hasn't happened. And for whatever reason it seems like old time with him and I. The old times of him leaving me. I don't want to go through that again. And that's why I just want to have this conversation once and for all and let it be.
Since the last time he called, when he told me he had broken his phone, we hadn't spoken since. I asked him, "did you break your phone again?", he laughed and said no. Meaning, he just hasn't called.
What the crap happened? (even that question alone reminds me of a year ago)
I can't and I don't want to live like this. He might be going through all these different situations, and they must be hard and all. But the difference here is that I'll support him during these rough situations for him. But he's letting me live mine alone. Without showing any sign that he cares. And that hurts. That makes me question what the heck am I really feeling and wanting here.
I don't know if he'll call now. I just don't know. But now at least I actually gave my first step in ending all of this once and for all. Ending this state of not knowing and regretting not saying anything.
perfect, he's clueless
Yesterday was the day that I got my phone call. In the back of my mind, I knew this was going to happen. He called yesterday while I was still at work. From that moment, I got so nervous. I mean nervous nervous. I had the chills I even wondered if I needed to throw up! I was freezing cold man....not fun. After I left work and began driving, I called Lili.
Lili wanted to me to hang up and call him. I told her I was too nervous. Long story short, I called him minutes later, and what do you know? he answered! He apologized for not having called me, he broke his phone.
Now I know how that sounds, or maybe you actually believe him. Well, from the way he sounded, I believed him. He was clueless of the many attempts I have had in trying to reach him. He had zero knowledge of the voice mails I have left him, of the text msgs I have sent. If he was lying, there is no way you can be so calm on the phone after having heard some of those vm or texts!
I did however tell him that I didn't know about his phone and so I was pissed off. That to me, it was reliving what I had lived a year ago. He asked what was a year ago, and I told him it was when he disappeared out of my life. He said, "trust me, I'm not getting married!" He did say how he could understand how I was feeling and how I was seeing this. He apologized for that, he said he should have tried reaching me.
Even though I knew I was more than determined to tell him everything, I was so scared. More nervous and unknowing of how to bring it up now that I knew he was completely clueless, and to him it was just another day. So I didn't say anything.
Here's the thing. I still need to tell him. TELL HIM. That has been the constant advise for over a year. The worst part of this whole time is over, the waiting, the not knowing what was happening. Now the hard part is here, the having to tell him everything. I kid you not, when I think of finally saying everything, I get chills. I feel sick to my stomach.
Its gonna happen though, no turning back. Wish me luck.
great
I had to come in here and write. Its probably my fault that I'm thinking so much of him b/c I'm sitting here working listening to somewhat romantic songs. I shouldn't be listening to this music right now, its affecting me! hehe. I know you might think its crazy, but it is.
I'm sitting here thinking of him. Asking myself over and over "what the heck happened?", "where is he?", "when are you going to call me?".
I miss him. Man, I can't believe this. A year ago when he did this to me, it took me a while, but I got over him. I moved on. Did I have regrets? of course I did. Did I regret not having been able to tell him how I felt? YES I did. But I got over it. I moved on. And then, he comes back eight months later!!!??? WTC?!
What did he do? He stirred everything in me again. And he apologized!! I should have just taken his apology and that's it, continue with my life. But I didn't. I gave him another chance, I let him right back into my life. And now, I'm here. I'm here without him. I'm here with questions. I'm here still without having told him what I felt.
Why? Why did you do this to me again? You jerk! you a-hole! (sorry) but c'mon, really? really? are you going to do this to me again? If so, why not be man enough to just tell me and let me go. Don't lead me on, and string me along, get my hopes up, come back to my life, be my best friend again, call me all the time, make me smile, make me dream again, and all for what? for you all of a sudden disappear without a word, without an explanation.
I can't even tell people a lot of this stuff, b/c it makes you look like a jerk. It makes you not deserve me! I forgave, yes. But even when we forgive we are to put boundaries. And maybe that's what I didn't do. I forgave and allowed you to do whatever you wanted, and so these are the consequences.
Oh I can't wait for you to call. Because I know that you're eventually going to call. And that day, during that call, TRUST me, once and for all I'm going to tell you everything. Because this will not happen to me again. I will not live another eight months wondering what could've been. NO! I will not. I can't.
Idiot! idiot. How can you be doing this to me again. What's going through your head? what the heck are you thinking? Idiot.
So, here's to the phone call we'll be having. Sorry its all going to come out at once, but you have given me the reason for needing to tell you everything once and for all.
Thinking tonight
How is it that a dreams fade away when fear and doubt lingers in your thoughts. Why do I say this?
My heart was set on you. It had decided to love you and only you. And so I ask, what's happening here? Why am I douting, why is it that I don't know where we stand. I don't want to loose you, don't get me wrong. I want to fight for you, I want to go the extra mile. But please tell me, will you be there at the end of this? or will I stand alone at the finish line?
Trust. Faith. I need to trust and have faith during all of this. Because without trust and faith, that's when fear and doubt come into play.
Can I tell you this much, thank you for being in my life. I don't know if I would have gone this path if it wasn't for you. This journey, trust me, is one I'll never forget.
Better and better...
It seems my life keeps getting better and better. Today I had David call me to "dis-invite" me to his wedding! ha! never saw that one coming. I was truly shocked, and even after I hung up with him, I couldn't control the tears. I was in disbelieve that I had just gone through that. This is David we're talking about. I love David. And c'mon, of course not that 'love love' but love David. I love him like a brother. By him doing this, for his fiance, it felt like the friendship that I treasured so much really didn't mean the same to him.
this is David. He's from the original "clique". He went everywhere with Aaron and I. The three of us where always together. what the crap just happened? what's wrong with people?
Peace
"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7
I read this passage in my devotional today, and I realized that this word was for me right here and now. Only God is the one that could have given me such peace, that could have taken all my worries away.
I love you Lord.
A New Beginning
I cannot believe the great and amazing things God is doing in my life right now. This week began with so many questions, with my emotions, my thoughts all over the place. Yet, God not only calmed all that yesterday through an amazing truth a dear friend reminded me of, but then again today he gave me more than i would have thought.
Today we had a woman's breakfast/conference. They had asked me to lead worship. God answers prayers, and today a cry that had been in my heart was answered. I had asked to help me worship him freely, with no reservation, without staying quiet. I feel that after I came back from CFNI this is who I was, I worshiped freely, with no reservation and did not stay quiet. Yet with everything that has happened in my life and around me has changed me in worship. And I had been wanting to get that Johanna back, to no be scared to truly worship the way my spirit was leading me to.
Well this morning God did it. At the end of the time of worship, I stood next to Ernesto, one of our drummers, and he said something along the lines of "wow, johanna, that was something else"....and I didn't have any words. Between inhaling and exhaling, I also told him, "I hadn't done that in a long time, that I was also in wow".....
From there on, God just continued to touch my life. We had these pastors who I had never met (husband & wife) share the word. The wife went up first and she began speaking on emotional health. I felt the word was just for me. She spoke about forgiveness, she spoke about living an abundant life, the life God has created for us, but at times since we want to live with our pains, hurts, betrayals, we don't forgive, we hold the grudge and we are not allowing God to do what he has wanted to do all along in our lives. She truly spoke an amazing word.
Then her husband went up, the pastor, and he continued on the same word. As well, he spoke to my life. At the end, he asked the worship team to go up. He did an altar call and we just began to worship. Then he calls my dad up, and gives him prophetic word. He calls my aunt up, women's director, and gives her prophetic word. The he starts saying my name, He looks at me and calls me to go where he is. And right there and then, God just began to give me word, to confirm his calling, to confirm who I am to him. Then his wife as well begins to give me word from God, and too confirms and brings light to a calling I had asked God to confirm if it was really for me (youth). Guess what, it is so my calling! hehe. I can no longer question it, i can no longer runaway from it. Its time do do God's business, and He'll take care of my business.
So guess what? I'm forgiving, because He's forgiven. Sin is sin. And God doesn't forgive only certain sin, he forgives All of our sins. And so, we are created new, we no longer have that sin. And if God sees us clean, why can't we see each other in this same way.
And so, I forgive. And I let go of the past. And I welcome this new beginning.
Made New
this is going to sound crazy, but I honestly feel like a completely different person. I spoke to my dear my Mina, she gave a very very wise word. After I shared the anxiety I have felt these last couple of days, after I told her my doubts, my questions, my fears she said this word. If he has repented, has God not cleansed him and removed all sin, yet making him new? So if God has forgiven him completely and has created him new, why are you still going to be looking at him as if he still had that sin? Is he not a new creation? Is he not made new?
She nailed it. That word which she spoke brought peace within me. It made me remember that sin is sin, yet when we confess our sins, he forgives, and he makes us new again. So if God has forgiven us, who are we to still judge one another?
Because of this, I also realized that I needed to be different. Because I am not dealing with his past, from this day forward, I am dealing with a new person, a new creation. I will not judge him because of past sins. I will lift him up, and I will speak words of healing, words of restoration, words of peace unto his life.
And I will allow God to be first in my life. Because then I will know that it was He who did all of this in our lives. We didn't do it, it was God because he loves us both.
I love you Lord. I don't know, I really don't know where any of this will go, but I know that you are going to do amazing things in his life and in my life. I lift him up and I declare that he will be the man you have created him to be. And that this time around, during this second chance you are giving us, i will be that encouragement, that friend that he needs.
Give me words of wisdom Lord, allow me to listen, help me to listen. Thank you, because this, what happened tonight, its your truth. thank you.
an I'm sorry
we spoke today. I'm trying to sort through everything, and figure out what it is I want. Do I want you in my life? After finding out that you also had sleepless nights, that you also have felt bad, that you had regret, and that you have apologized many times to me tonight and yet know that I'm not guaranteed to be in your life, I don't know what I want.
I'm divided. A part of me wants to tell you everything once and for all and venture into a new life with you. But the other part of me wants to say that you had your chance, and you made your choice.
but I don't want to complicate things. Should I not allow us to be content? Am I supposed to judge you? Am I supposed to say that you blew it and you are stuck with the consequences?
I need to know what you want out of me, why did you need to reach out to me? why did you need me now? I don't want to be 2nd best, I don't want to prepare you for the next. If I am to stick around, I want to be it, I want to be what you knew you could've had but you chose wrong. You blew it, like you said.
I know it is not your intention to mess with my head, and so I am going to have to be honest to myself. I am going to have to ask you everything that I wondered all of these months.
However this plays out, I am glad you are somehow back in my life. I don't know where this is going to go, I'm not too clear on that yet, but I know its not going to be eight more months to see where all of this will go.
Strength, Wisdom, Courage. this is what I'm asking for.
Beginding
he came back into my life. Last night when i heard his voice on my voicemail, I had so many mixed emotions. I was happy and relieved. Happy to hear his voice again, to hear my name come out of his mouth. Happy to know that he thought of me. And relieved because this was something I had waited for, something that I thought would not come. The day I had only hoped for had arrived.
He moved on and made a decision, and for the past eight months I had tried to move on. I have tried to feel again. I have tried to put on a smile and say that I was over it.
I missed you. And I know I shouldn't, I know you don't deserve the tears coming out of me right now, but here they are. I missed you. And i know there is no way for us to be together anymore, I know this and it hurts, but knowing that their is remorse on your part, that you feel bad, that you have regrets, that helps a little bit.
I so wish you would've tried reaching out to me months ago, eight months ago would've been great. Something different might have been. And so without knowing what it is you have to say, let me write these words. I missed you. And you meant so much more to me than I was ever able to tell you.
Now I just ask God to give me strength. I need strength to get through this one more time. Because I thought you would never be in my life again. I thought I would never hear you say my name. And now you've stirred everything all over again. I'm sorry you're not happy. I'm sorry life is not turning out the way you had hoped. I wish I could say that I would be there for you until the end, but you wrote out our ending eight months ago. Now its time to live a new beginning.
I've missed you and I will always miss you.
2008
Happy New Year!
to say the least, I have to say I'm glad 2007 is over. I'm ready for what God has in stored for me for 2008. Couple weeks ago God said that all of the promises He has given us, we'll see come to pass in 2008. I hold on to that! I say, I believe Lord.
2007 was definitely an emotion year for me. I feel worn out. And so I say, I don't want to be the same. I declare that this new year I will be who God says I am. Yes there will be troubles, but Johanna "head up!". God has given you the strength to face troubled times.
Start writing. I don't mean just here, but start/continue writing songs. God also said that you will record. And I know what I want to record. Even writing that I can't believe it. I really had brushed away any idea of me recording one day....but yes, I am going to record. I will record my a spanish Praise and Worship album, but the worship that I have learned to love. With my songs as well as songs I hold dear. I still can't believe I'm actually thinking and writing about that. More later on about that topic.
2008. Wow, 2008. It will be an amazing year.