I'm not alone!

I came across this tonight and it really made me smile. Not just smile, it made me more hopeful. It brought me some sort of relief. Relief in knowing that I'm not alone here! why? because I feel that what I envision for a church is NOT what people around me see. But I don't like the current church structure. I want to just allow God to do what he pleases regardless if its not what we had planned for that service.

I want this to feel real, and not rehearsed. I want things to be pure from our hearts and not a show. I want intimacy. I want myself and the people around me to fall in love every single day with our God. And that love will change us and will change the way we live and treat one another.

So after watching this video, it brought joy to me to know that their are others that have felt what I have felt and are doing something about it.

But what am I to do?...I guess that's what I'll figure out. but for now, if this is able to play....watch the video! if not, here's the link: http://www.h2hfiles.info/interviews.mov

San Francisco

Went on a little road trip this past weekend. It was quick but fun. Went to San Francisco/Berkeley. I love this city, really, its so different from San Diego. Anywho, it turned out to be a great trip. My brother, Sam and Tavo had never been to SF, so it was good to see their faces as they saw everything. Even while they got winked at in Castro St. hehehe. And I don't know if it'll go down and the first to do it. but Tavo mooned San Francisco, yup, he did. good times.



I can say that we had fun in all the places we went to. Walking all around Alamo Square looking for the "Full House" house. Having the guys yelling, "where are you Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen?"....or them saying, this isn't it....then daring them to ask a random person in the park if "they" knew where the full house was at. They did. It was actually one of the first houses we walked through.

Cheers!

What is it?

I wish I could write something great. something that would make me feel content about life right now. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong going on. Actually things are good. Work is good. I mean it is. I wake up every morning (remember I am NOT a morning person) yet I get ready and go to work. I go to my office and enjoy being there. So yes, work is good.

Church, I'm excited, right? I mean we finally have our own building, we're remodeling...I'm supposebly in charge of the colors and decorations for the reception.....that's great right? I'm singing in the worship. Some Sundays the worship time is simply amazing. But why don't I truly get contentment as a whole during the whole service. Not just during worship, but during the word?

I think i found my uncontentment.

O.S.E.A. that's another thing. I wish I could do it all. I wish i could go and come as i please. I wish i had all the finances together and travel and give and serve. I wish I didn't have to rely on others. I wish I could just do it. Can I just do it? no. Maybe its supposed to be a yes, but life happens. I have to responsibilities that tie me to San Diego.

I want to travel. I want to be able to just be able to get on a plane and go. Be it for one of my best friends' wedding, or go to a nation. But the feeling of going, I need that. I don't like feeling that I'm just here and that's it. Sometimes I wonder if I'd feel this way if I'd never gone to CFNI. Well, no point in thinking that since I did go, and now I'm this way. Now I want certain things that my surroundings do not provide, do not fill.

I want to many things and i need to learn how to do one thing at a time. I don't have to have everything done at once, one thing at a time Johanna. For now, that's all I've got.

oh...here's a picture of Toby. can't believe he's been in my life for a whole year now.

still the one.

This night is a night of memories, of what ifs. If you could be with the love of your life, would you? After almost 10 years, would you take that person into your life? I was watching this "telenovela"....I know I know. Anywho, and this couple was reunited after 10 years. One thought the other one had died, and tried reliving her life but never felt that love again. Everyday she yearned to see him again, to be with him again.

At the end of it, they asked normal people walking the streets if they would go back with their love of their life after 10 years. All said yes. And it got me thinking, would I?

And as those people answered, I felt myself answering along with them....as everyone men and women answered "yes". Yes, i would. These people were of all ages, married, so the excuse of me still being single has nothing to do with it. I would.

could it be the feeling or the thought of the unknown. We already know what our lives are like without them, well what would they be like with them in it. If our decisions would have been to stay by their side.

Its also knowing that you've made so many wrong decisions along the way, that now you look back and wish you could undo some of those decisions. Why? because bigger ones have come and you are able to see that staying with that person was not as dramatic as you made it out to be. That you've had to face tougher decisions, you've had to live life....and being with that person was not a bad thing as people made it out to be.

I'm sorry. I wasn't ready maybe you see, to understand that somethings just can't be undone. I always thought I'd have another chance, but that one just didn't come. Or maybe it did, but I was too caught up to notice.

I guess with all of this, I just wanted it out there that I'd take you back in a heart beat. I would want all those dreams we talked about, to come to pass with each other. Hey....thank you. Because you set the bar up high for the rest who have come my way.

what's my reason for this blog. none whatsoever. just letting some things out there. And please, if anyone else other than this person ever reads this....its not you. This is to the person that changed my life and heart since '96. still the one.

a while...

its been a while since I'ce written. It has not been out of lack of things happening, but more so out not knowing how to put in words what I've been living day by day.

My life is not what it was. It seems every time I start getting used to something, it changes. why is that? I wonder if its all a plan of god for my life. am I not supposed to get comfortable in a place or with people? So when it comes down for me to give my all, I don't. For the fear of knowing that it won't last, that it will change.

But then the thought of not doing anything is even worst.

where is my head? i'll feel better in the morning, i know i will.

ohhhhh....pics of Pricila's bday. Some things I'm glad don't change. To my lifelong friend...happy bday.

what can I say about Pricila? well that aside from being my friend even before I was born (hehe...its true) she's been there for me, without really telling me, but she has been there for me even when i've pushed her away. I tend to do that at times. We've been through many things, and maybe not that many. But its alright. with her I feel as if we don't have to do things to show our friendship to others, we just are. I know for sure that one day when we grown older and grey, our kids will be friends. awww....how pretty. anywho, thank you Lord for friends. Because the good ones, regardless if your life is in the midst of change, you know their there.

storm?

I don't know where or how to start this blog, so let me just skip the intro and get right into it. What I thought was, isn't. Once again, I thought something was there and maybe there was, but when it comes down to it, there's nothing. I really thought this time was different. Everything was going good, but I had to ask. Yes I had to ask.

I wanted to know what was in the other side of this, where were we headed? what was I in this for? I know, maybe he felt pressured, blah blah blah, but all I wanted to know was if in the long run he was going to tell me, "you're a great friend Johanna, glad I met you"....or if we were in this for something else other than a friendship. So what happened? He said he needed to ask God for wisdom to respond to my question.

WTC!

So its been over a week and now I haven't heard from him. Guess I have my answer. But, why not just tell me that he just sees me as a friend or whatever, why not do this last week? why not tell me there and then. He wrote about how he's been wrong in the past, and how he didn't want to help God, that he wanted to wait on God to make the decision of who "the one" for him is. That why tell me, "yes Johanna you're the one" and get his hopes up and then nothing. Which I get, but why not just tell me "I just want to be friends"??????? He just left me hanging in a way. UGHHHHHH. Then you ask why I'm still single, because of these boys! Grow up! Take initiative, take charge, make decisions, take risks.

so here I am, again. ughhh. Lord, give me peace. Maybe this isn't a storm in any sense, but it is something that's shaking my heart, moving my emotions. I need peace. I need to praise you in this storm father, and I will. You fulfill my heart Lord, and allow my actions to reflect that. I don't want to be boastful, no Lord...I need you, I alone can't do this. You've brought me this far father, that's how I have to see it. Its been a journey, but I'm closer aren't i?

thanks for the time though "guy"....I laughed.

The AFTERMATH

God is truly, I mean truly AMAZING! He always does more than one imagines and He sure has proven that to me time after time. How is it that I still fall into doubt? How can I possible doubt that He always is taking care of me? that He is working even while I do not see it or feel it! AH! i'm in aww of what you He has done, of the healing that took place!

I feel as if I had been walking around with an unknown wound and not realizing that it was taking my life away. Why do I say that? Because He has begun the healing of that wound. I guess I had grown accustomed to that wound that I didn't realize the difference in having it there or not. I'm healed though! and that alone, being able to say that causes so much joy in my soul. I know that it was not in my own strength that that unknown wound went away. And I say unknown, because this whole time I thought I didn't have any more wounds left because of you. I thought I was fine. But now, the aftermath, lets me see that there was part of that wound left in me. Because what my spirit is living right now, what my soul and my heart are experiencing is NOT what I had been living. I feel as if once again, He is giving me a new life. And I come to realize that a couple months ago, he began giving me that new life, he began restoring and renewing me then....but oh, He was not done with me, not at all.

It was Him who ordained all of it to happen, I cannot take credit, I can't. Friend, let me tell you that as every single word was spoken, any anger, resentment, pain, bitterness or unforgiveness that might have still been in our hearts, was taken away as every word continued to come out. Who does that? who can do that? only God can! its all Him.

I want you to know that it might have taken a couple years to come to this, but now I can't think of that pain or resentment. I can't remember the feeling of it. I feel like a new person. Is this what it feels like to have a burden taken off of you? WOW! I love it. I don't have anything hindering me. Did we actually allow all of this to linger on this long? You mean to tell me we could have felt this a long time ago? Well maybe not. We weren't ready for this, we weren't ready to accept the consequences. Perfect example: Yes, i had forgiven you, but I had never told you. I didn't want to have to face you, because I didn't want to have the "aftermath", the "then what". And yet, I wrote that blog, but it didn't mean I wanted to contact you directly. In a way it was sort of just letting it out there, so I could say "I did my part....be blessed, have a great life!" That was me still showing that I wasn't ready. That I was scared of what the consequence might be. And yet you surprised me, you completey caught me off guard by your reply. I might have taken the step into restoration, into healing all of this....but you decided to walk through it.

Thank you for all that was said. Thank you. I'll hold those words dear to me probably for the rest of my life.

Lord, "you give and take away...my heart will choose to say blessed be your name!" You sure gave me, you gave me a great friend, and you allowed them to be taken away. Lord, I choose to tell you blessed be your name. I know that what we are to have now will be greater than what we had in the past. (Haggai 2:9) I have faith Lord that you will restore what was broken and you will give life.

Do you know what I think. I think we'll both end up using all of this experience in our ministries. People will be blessed by it, I know it. Truly amazing.

Letting go of you

for some strange and twisted reason, we hang on to things or even people that have caused us pain. And regardless if you've heard apology after apology, those words are empty. But why not just let them go? why not just free yourself from that? Why are we stubborn to hold on?

I don't desire to ever feel the way I had felt. I felt betrayed. If you really knew me, you'd know that. But you knew that, didn't you? You knew exactly what you were doing. I had too many words in my head, too many things that were said. I couldn't let go. The pain was my excuse, you see. Excuse to not have to deal with you or anything to do with you. How could I face someone who had caused me so much pain? And not just once, but time and time again? someone who had already said forgive me time and time again? they didn't deserve me being there for them? but yet that was the pride speaking in me, wasn't it? oh that pride that has lingered in our lives for so long. Why did I have to confront you again? why did I have to bend my arm again? why? So, the pain was my excuse. Pathetic, I know.

Well, here we are. Many times I said that there was no chance at all, no possibility of this being mended. But we are both being led to the places God has for us, and we can't continue with all of of this. We can't take undealt baggage. Remember, "with what authority are we to speak?"....I didn't want to continue living with all of this. I hadn't dealt with it, I kept leaving it in the back burner, thinking eventually it would go away.

I'm not saying in any way that I'm ready and wanting to deal with it now with you...no no no no....I'm not there yet. But, you at least needed to kow this much....it's a start. I do want you to know that I've let go. I've let go of the pain, but most importantly of you. I waited for a long time for a real apology....but for now I need to do my part. To truly free myself from all that was in me that was holding on to the past, to the pain.

Yes I got hurt in this process, yes you got hurt in the process.....but this isn't about us, it never has been. It was always about the dream. And the enemy sure did not want that fulfilled. Yes, we were like lamb to the slaughter.....that was perfectly put. But we are not destroyed. We will fulfill our destinies, we will see that dream and so many others fulfilled. There is no doubt in my heart or spirit about that. Its all part of the preparation is it not? Now it just has other branches, but with or without us, it was going to come to pass. And it is.

I believed in you from day one. I wonder if you believed in me?

So since I don't have the courage to face you, and well, you don't have the courage to face me either. By this I let you know that I've read and asked myself what I needed to do. This isn't much, but you needed to know that I've let go. That when you're out there, yeah, know that you have some unfinished business to take care of, but no longer is it a burden or something holding you back, no longer is it something that is stoping your from speaking and doing, you are free. And no longer is this a reason for the enemy to try an attack you or your thoughts. Because if he does try, you know that its not true. Seventy times seven right? And so, I forgive you. I forgive the pain and tears you caused. I too want to just be free of all this. I want to be free of unforgiveness in my heart. You were the last one on that list for a reason! God has a great sense of humor! I let you go.

I know some might not understand why I just wrote this, and some are probably thinking that its about time! I don't know why now, but I felt I had to. Have I made sense? oh I hope I have. Its late, but before letting this night end, I wanted to write this and hope that soon you'll get to read it. God is great and faithful.

Praise You in this storm

Lord all praise be unto you. I've been uncertain of a lot of things these past couple weeks. It took me a while to accept my uncle's passing. I couldn't understand it. It was not what I thought was going to happen. So when I would be in my office, if I was just there waiting on a doc or whatever, if I would start thinking of my uncle, or how different things will be from now on in our family....I would feel my eyes get watery. And in those moments, I asked why. Why Lord?

I realize that it becomes easy to say that we will praise God in every an any situation. Its hard! Its hard to do that when your mind and heart tell you otherwise. Your mind is thinking logical and your heart emotional! but what would the spiritual say? the spiritual would say, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart".....

I'm learning yet again. So then my co-worker mentioned the following song. And the words are amazing. Its about giving praise even when things are not going as planned.

So lord, things are not going as planned for me or the family. But Father, all of the praise be to You! Do whatever it is you want to do. Heal us Lord. And let these words become a part of us, become a part of our faith, our thinking our doing.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and It’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I'm with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Inspired by a ballad

Sometimes certain songs/lyrics are just perfect.....for example:

Buenas noches, mucho gusto, eras una chica más.
Después de 5 minutos ya eras alguien especial.
Sin hablarme, sin tocarme algo dentro se encendió.
En tus ojos se hacia tarde y me olvidaba del reloj.

Estos días a tu lado me enseñaron que en verdad
no hay tiempo determinado para comenzar a amar.
Siento algo tan profundo que no tiene explicación.
No hay razón ni lógica en mi corazón.

Entra en mi vida, te abro la puerta.
Sé que en tus brazos ya no habrá noches desiertas
Entra en mi vida, yo te lo ruego.
Te comencé por extrañar,
pero empecé a necesitarte luego.

Buenas noches, mucho gusto
ya no existe nadie más.
Después de este tiempo juntos
no puedo volver atrás.
Tú me hablaste, me tocaste
y te volviste mi ilusión.
Quiero que seas dueña de mi corazón.

Puente
Entra en mis horas, sálvame ahora
Abre tus brazos fuerte y déjame entrar.

............

I'm such a girl! But I hadn't heard this song in a while, and just now as I heard it, just cause I wanted a little background music while I wrote a friend....it felt perfect. Yes things are uncertain, I'm not sure where things are headed, but there's that feeling and emotion. Can this be headed this way? Could this be it? I've been wrong many times, and last time I really thought it was it, so I've been wrong. All I know, or all I could say is that I'm looking forward to where this will go.

Sorry, I know this probably doesn't make much sense to all of you, but it does to me....hehe...muahhh.

Thanks Pricila

Me despierto en la mañana, para verte pasar,
y tenerte en mi mente por el resto del dia...
Que vida, la mia...
Aun no se tu nombre y ya eres dueña de mi,
y me paso todo el dia imaginando tu risa...
Que vida, la mia...
Nose que hacer, para ser el aire que va a tu alrededor,
y acaricia tu piel...

Solo quiero conversar, solo quiero conocerte,
dame un poco de tu tiempo para convencerte,
Yo solo quiero ser tu amigo, y me muero por salir contigo,
dame una señal, solo dame una mirada,
si tu estas a mi lado, a mi no me importa nada,
ya quiero estar entre tus brazos, y me muero por
probar tus labios, rojos, llenos de ti...
Solo dime que si...

Me desvelo en las noches para pensar en ti,
y si duermo solo sueño con tener tus caricias,
Que vida, la mia...
Tengo todo este amor y solo es para ti,
y yo solo me conformo con mirarte otro dia,
Que vida, la mia...
No se que hacer para ser el aire que va a tu alrededor,
que acaricia tu piel...

why can't you?

I gave you the perfect chance to tell me and you didn't. What is stoping you from telling me? I know there's something there, yet I can't tell you what to tell me.

One day I hope I look back at this and realize that its better this way. You could've just told me, but you choose to hold it in. Well, someone else is letting it out, someone else is choosing to tell me. And even though I have a past with you, you've never told me of a future.

You say I'm like no other, yet you want another. You even said that I'm not there, that I won't go. Well come! I wish you could just tell me. Before I wouldn't have debated, but now I don't know what I would do or choose. But I can say that if you never tell me, my heart will be for someone else.

so far so good...

I met someone. I don't even know how to write about it yet because its been nice. We're very alike, both in our backgrounds, family, interests, desires, beliefs...its been weird at times because of the likeness. I don't know where it'll go, I mean c'mon its only been couple days that I've known him, but so far so good. So far, he's made me smile and laugh and reminded me that there are still guys out theree seeking the face of God, seeking intimacy with God, loving worship, having musical talent and desiring ministry. I just wrote that and couldn't believe I actually met someone like this again. It hadn't since school, but if you know me, well then you know how that turned out! anywho....

Again, I don't know where its headed, for now we both are enjoying getting to know one another. I want to be open and honest. Which so far I have been and he's not freaking out! heheh....so, we'll see.

And the week officially starts...

Its been an interesting week to say the least. I went back to work today and of course I knew that the guys were just going to be great. And they were. I thank God so much for their lifes. Let's see, I kept my appointment to get my hair done. Candice, my hairstylist, was great. When she asked about my week, well of course I had to tell her and she just stopped and asked, "Johanna, do you want some wine???"....hehe, so as usual, I had my glass of wine. Well then afterwards I guess I should mention that i was very relaxed and in a good mood. So who do I decide to call? yup, him. It was brief but I told him what had happend and that I was on my way to pick up my grandma. But there, we spoke. Anywho....so I picked up my grandma and took her our to eat, hehe, it was pretty fun. We were both not really craving anything, and any place I would think of taking her, the thought of the food served in those places would make me do faces! then i thought of Cafe Sevilla...uhmmmmmmm, I thought of eating jamon serrano. That sounded so fresh and light. I tell my grandma and she says that i'm gonna start making her be hungry. So yes, that was the place to go.

Well, we attempted to get there, but I couldn't find parking close enough so that my grandma didn't have to walk much. But it worked out. As I made countless attempts to find parking, my grandma say the downtown life in San Diego. She liked it. She said she had never been to downtown at night. She was just looking out the window trying to look at everything.

I ended up taking my grandma to Extraordinary Desserts. I figured that's the other place I know of that sells some-what of a jamon serrano plate. We weren't really dressed for the restaurant, but I didn't care, I was going to take my grandma there. So we get there and I show her all the dessert display and right there and then she picked the one she wanted to have after we ate.

We ordered our drinks, hehehe, wish were hilarious. I always order the kiwi lemonade, but I figured I would try something new since my grandma was there. I ordered a passion fruit drink. When they brought them, my grandma was the one to try it first, you should've seen her face! the drink was tooo sour. I tried it myself and confirmed that it was! It looked great, sort of a orange/peach color with a pink petal floating on top. Anywho so we ordered our panini's and we got to talk.

Let's just say that my grandma says that she doesn't know what I'm gonna do, but that she wants grandkids. That she mentioned to my mom that she doesn't care if I'm not married. I said WHAT? she's like, no, you can just go get fertilized! NO freakin way! I was laughing. I asked her while laughing if she really was being serious. She's like, well you're not speeding this up Johanna. Obviously I'm not going to get fertilized, but I thought it was hilarious that she thought of that.

So the rest of the night was good. We ate our panini's and then asked for dessert. Which my grandma loved. The whole time we talked briefly about my uncle. Which I had worried about before picking my grandma up. I thought to myself that we were going to go eat and the subject would come up and we would both start crying! But I'm glad that didn't happen. We talked about me and stuff and more stuff, hehe, but we laughed and had a good time.

My grandma is a strong lady. And she said it herself, that she is thanking God for the strength she feels. That its only Him giving it to her, because she knew she couldn't do this on her own. Thank you Lord. Keep my grandma in good health and in good spirit. Help us be strong as well and be of encouragment to her and the rest of the family.

tio...

I wish I could tell you that everything has been great and that nothing has happened. But reality is further from the truth. My uncle, who i wrote about couple blogs prior, passed away this past weekend. I've been saying that I know the "christian/believer" things to say is that it was God's timing, and it was God's will. But honestly, i don't feel this. I feel that this was not the time for him to go!

My uncle's death brings a lot of emotions and changes to the family as a whole. He was always the father figure to my aunts and uncle. Growing up he was the one that was able to study, to finish school and get a degree. He was successful in both family and career.

He encouraged all the family not to live a mediocre lifestyle, to succeed, to be our best, to do whatever it was in our power and reach to be better people, better humaan beings.

During his memorial service and funeral, i was able to see through others that my uncle was all these things mentioned above and more. Important politicians came to the memorial service, professors, business men, his close friends, people he helped, people that worked for him during campaigns, people he touched. The room both in front, back, side, and hall where filled with flowers. OH, we even found out that he made the front page of the newspaper. That reminded me that your life speaks even without you speaking.


I will miss my uncle tremendously. He left behind a legacy, and I want to carry it out. I want to be a woman known for my character and my servanthood. I want to help without expecting anything in return, I want to think of others before myself. I'm saying all this, and I think of him.

By no means was he a saint! but he was a good man. He left behind a wife and two daughters. Who I know will miss him terribly. I hope I can be there for them and my uncle was there for his family.

I know it'll take a while to get used to the fact that he is no longer here. In the meantime, i want to remember him. I want to remember the words he would tell me. I don't understand why this happened. Because I truly felt that we would see a miracle and God would be glorified through it and salvation would come to my aunt and cousins.

But now, I know it'll still happen, but in a different way, through different circumstances, through different situations and people. If I am to be used Lord, use me, prepare me.

I need to trust. I need to remember that he is with the Lord. That he didn't suffer long. Just as when my grandfather passed away, there was no doubt in my heart and spirit that he was with the Lord, that he was right under God's eyes. And that goes for my uncle as well. There is no doubt.

You'll be missed tio. Thank you for all that you did and said. You impacted my mom and aunts and you strengthened my grandma....You left a piece in you in all of us. I can't believe your gone, I can't believe you won't be here anymore. The first one to show up, and ready to eat or watch a movie. Sitting in the couch with your two girls right next to you. Or showing up with your new toy, or talking hours about life. You've inspired me tio, you truly have. I'm proud to be like you tio. I hate goodbyes so I'll leave you with a see you soon. For I know that one day we'll all reunite in heaven in the presence of God. I love you tio, stay with us in our hearts.

reading and thinking

I've been reading "the poisonwood bible" and I must say at times it makes me get mad. Summary of what I've read really short: Minister takes his family to Africa (congo)...they are a missionary family. Story is told by the 3 daughters and the wife. Basically the minister is so set in his ways and what he believes that he judges, and does not adapt to this new culture. He wants everyone in the congo to convert and get babtized. He wants to be their savior in a sense. He wants to show them a way to live. Thinking they don't have what we have here in the states, as in agriculture, crops...etc. because they are ignorant. Yet, it is because of resources yes, but because of different soil, different climate....etc.

In one instance the minister wants to babtize in the lake. Yet the people refuse. He tries and tries and tries, until he is told that one of the major reasons why the people refuse is because just a month before they arrived, a young girl had been killed by an crocodile in that lake. So yeah, people didn't want to go in that same water.

But even after hearing this, he still did not get it. His attitude not only separated the people from him, but his family as well. He became sort of a tyrant. Seeing everything that the people did or not do as something vile.

People are close minded a lot of the times. Thinking about it, they are close minded both in and outside of the church. People outside of church, having their set ways in what they think church is like, what they think God is like, or what they think their life would be if they gave God a chance. and people inside of the church community is set in their way of doing things. They forget mercy and grace. They forget that those two things were shown and given to us by Christ. We see someone in sin and most of the time judge. We see the things of "the world" based on past generations, past decisions made by previous church leaders...regardless if it is completely opposite of what Christ would do.

We want to be Christ like, yet only by words. When we are placed in a situation to really show Christ, we just sit back and do nothing.

I'm just thinking based on what I'm reading. Its a book that makes me think of what my future and even my present will be like. I want to go to the nations, I want to go and serve. But one thing I never want to forget is that I will not be giving my own ideas or my own conclusions. I never want to be so stuck in my own ways that I don't see the need that is around me.

here we go

My friend just called. I feel bad, but I did make it sound like I didn't want to talk. So he said he would just call me later then.

I feel bad. I was scared. Scared of knowing that if I spoke to him right now, some of the things I wrote in here would come out. I don't think I'm ready for that.

And I feel bad for cutting him off. I hate making someone I care for feel like this. I don't like making people feel unwanted, unappreciated. When you're in my life, hopefully if my close friends are reading this. I try and make you as comfortable and welcome as possible...I like people feeling like "family".

I wish I could be honest with him and tell him what I've been feeling, but there is no point to that. We are just friends. Why am I making this so complicated????

Moments like this, I do wish I was back in Dallas. Back there, I was surrounded with my girlfriends and my guy friends. Anything going on, we would be there for each other. And if it was one of us doing this crap, then we would just talk about how to get over it.

Great, now I want to talk to him. But its late, we'll talk when we talk. somebody please save me!!! man!

Keeping faith

This picture is of my uncle tonight. hehehe. My lil' cousin had this hat there, and she was playing with my aunt putting on top of her head. Then my uncle took it, put it on and showed her how it did fit him, and asking if it was a good look for him...hehe, it was a good laugh. Today was a good day.

We Just came back from having dinner. Afterwards we decided to go over my aunts house to visit one of my uncle. My uncle is staying the whole week here. Let me backtrack a bit here. My mom's older brother was diagnosed with cancer back in March. He's been coming to stay with the family on the weekends, so we've been able to see the effects of the treatment he's been receiving.

The man you see now physically is not the man he was. Now he's weak physically, he can't do little things we so easily take for granted. This has been hard on the family. If you would meet my family you would see that we have a young family. My uncle, who is the second oldest just turned 50 yrs old this past week. Other than my grandfather passing away in 1998, we really hadn't experienced having an ill relative. Especially with this type of illness. So its been coping and all of us learning how to adapt, how to be there for him and his family, how to be there for my grandma. This past week he shaved his hair off, it was different seeing him like this, but he looks good. He has good spirits.

On some days, you see him very weak though, to the point that he can barely walk. To speak he can barely open his mouth to articulate words. He'll fall asleep sitting up next to you while having a conversation. There are more things going on, but I'll spare you guys the details. On other days though, like tonight, he's up and talking about this and that. He'll make a joke, laugh and just be there with you. You see him with somewhat energy and aware of everything going on around him.

The point is, he is not the man we grew up with. He's becoming a different type of man. He is finding himself all over again. He is finding strength and courage that he probably didn't even know he had in him. Even spirtitually, he is seeking the Lord, seeking his will and putting all of this in His hands.

This is where faith kicks in. Because spiritually, from day one, I've told my mom and any family member that brings up this situation that God has total control over this. That I saw this as something that God was allowing to happen so my uncle could turn his heart back to him. (side note: my uncle was actually the first one to accept Christ when he was young, because of him all of the family came to Christ. But then he got too involved in politics and the law that he separated himself from any church and also from anything spiritual)

I believe that God is going to do a miracle in my uncle's life. And his family, my aunt and cousins, will see the Glory of God. I believe this. I believe that God has tried many times and many ways to reach my uncle, but he wouldn't come around. So if with this illness God will bring His son back to him, then He will allow this to happen because He loves him so.

In my spirit I have believed this. And again, that's why I say that this is where faith comes in. Because when you see my uncle during one of the "bad" days, its hard.

You know what? I just remembered this story Hugo used. The back to the future story. I'll write it soon, but for me right now, God just reminded me that if I have seen it, then it will be. No one can move me or make me think otherwise because I have already seen it. Faith.

Here are some pictures I have of my aunts and ucles. The uncle I've been talking about is the one in the red, this is how he looked right until March. The other picture is of both my uncles with my mom. They love my mom. hehe.

Being Irrational...I know

I'm over it.

What am I over? I'm over thinking more of a situation than is necessary. Im over making excuses for people. I’m over thinking that someone out there genuinely desires to talk to me. Here’s the situation that caused all of this. I’ve had a friend calling me almost every single day for a couple months now. And it was nice. I’ve always enjoyed talking to old friends from school. I didn’t want to admit it, but two weeks ago when he stopped calling everyday like he had been, strike one, that’s when I realized that I had enjoyed receiving his phone calls everyday. We wouldn’t even talk about much, but we would talk about everything. If that makes any sense? And so, after he stopped calling I asked myself, “why do I care if he calls everyday or not?”, “he’s just a friend, why should I feel any different?”. And so when I realized that I was questioning my own emotions, I thought “this is a good thing then, its good that he doesn’t call everyday, I don’t want to feel this”…I was getting used to him calling and I shouldn’t have. He is just a friend, nothing more. So by him not calling anymore I was able to be and feel just like I did when he wasn’t in my life. Fine, ok….I was fine.

But then he calls me and leaves a message saying he was calling because he saw that I had called! So he wouldn’t have called me if he wouldn’t have seen my number in his cell? Strike two. I had said I was fine right? Well, this made me start thinking too much again, asking myself questions I had been asking for the past 2 weeks. I shouldn’t care so much. I shouldn’t think too much into it. It means nothing.

Then we finally do get to talk and he already knows this, but when I’m home he calls me to my house number since I have bad reception with my cell. But did he ask to call me at my house like he usually does? No. Its fine. We’ll talk on my cell. We’re talking on my cell, and it cuts off. I call back, and he mentioned calling me back at my house number, I’m thinking this is what we always do. So ok. Did he ever call? No. Strike three.

I’m over it.

This is the reason I don’t let many in. Yeah, maybe I’m being a little irrational. I’m probably making a bigger deal of this than what it is. I am aren’t I? But I’m not going to tell you that I don’t care. No. The conclusion now then is that he is just a normal friend, like any other friend. We’ll talk once in a while to catch up and sometimes it’ll be weeks that we don’t hear from each other and it’ll be fine.

He called couple of times after tonight, but I couldn’t answer. He text me writing that he tried calling but the phone was busy the other night. Hmm….funny that I had the phone with me the whole time. Whatever. I’m over it.

Men and women react different to things, I know. The thing also is that now I ask myself, why did he call everyday? Do you guys do that with any friend?

AH! I’ll stop. Yes, I’m being difficult. I’m a girl. I’m being honest though, this is how I have felt. I'm noticing that I wrote "I'm over it" a couple of times. Sounds like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm over it huh? seriously, why do we react like this?

It reminds me of "When Harry met Sally"...men and women can't really be friends......nevermind. ok...this was a pathetic side of me that I just wrote about. Great! but I have to vent with someone right?

Tonight

So tonight I went out with two of my girlfriends. These two girls have been in my life for a long time now. Well, Pricila and I have known each other even before we were born and Arcelia, for some reason when I think of her, the first thing that comes to mind is using her as an alibi when I was younger. Why Alibi? Because when I was younger my mother mainly had a big issue with me hanging out with one of my guy friends. And well, he had his own apartment, I was there practically every day just hanging out. Anywho, but there came a point when that was just not right anymore in my mother's eyes, so she would call for a million times telling me to go home.

So what did I end up doing from time to time? I would just tell them I was at Arcelia’s house. Obviously I would call Arcelia to let her know I had used her as an Alibi. She would be fine with it and would tell me to say that anytime I needed to. Don't you just love her?

Anywho, so it was good to see them both in one place. The only thing missing was a glass of wine! ok…. In all honesty, when I hang out with those girls, I feel my age. I guess I always felt that until I left to Dallas. Once I was there, everyone, even my best friends now are younger than me. And that was the first time that happened. I guess when you continue to grow up, the age number stops mattering as much, but I know I felt it, and still do at times. So that’s that. Just trying to get in the rhythm of this blogging thing. Well, the picture here is from last year...Arcelia took some pictures yesterday, which one of them is identical I think to this one here. bye guys!

Thinking

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:11-13

I have this scripture saved on my desktop, and usually every day I open it to read it during my work day. Every time I read it speaks to me. That’s one of the beauties of scripture I guess. You can read the same verse over and over again throughout your life, and every time it’ll speak in a different way to you.

You know what I just realized? That in this passage, the Lord is saying that He knows the plans he has for us…plans to prosper us and not to harm us. The thing is, it’s a plan, its not something we already have in fulfillment. Then it says, THEN you will call upon me…and all that other stuff. Meaning, when God gives you a promise, or shows you what he has for you, It doesn’t mean we have it made. It doesn’t mean that that’s it, you don’t have to do anything else. It doesn't mean we just get to sit around and watch it happen.

NO! it means that now…call upon him, pray to him, seek him with all of our hearts!...and in the process those plans he has for you will come to pass. But throughout the process, we need to be doing what it says in that scripture after the THEN part.

Many times we don’t. Sorry, not many times, most of the time. We receive this great word, or great revelation, but then we lack on the fellowship, on the communion with God.

So I guess this is even for me. I can’t lack on my relationship with him. I can’t lack on seeking him. Because its me seeking the one who is giving me a future, who is giving me my Life. The one who is loving me so much that he wants to prosper me and not harm me.

Like my dad says, God is more interested in the being than the doing. So its not about having to do these things to receive his promise. But its being that person who desires, longs for that relationship, for that closeness. Anywho…just wanted to put this in writing for myself more than anything.

I don’t want to loose track of what I’m already supposed to be doing. Regardless of the plans, and the promises, I’m still his daughter, and as his daughter, I want to know my father.

sprained ankle

don't quite know what I'm doing in the world of "blogger"...since i mainly blog on my profile on myspace. But anywho..figured I'd give this a try. So topic to start this? While I thought about it, and while writing answers to my information on here....my ankle was feeling a bit uncomfortable. So, I thought of that! my ankle. It still hurts. yes I know, I should go have it looked at because it hasn't completely healed.

Oh, what happened? I sprained my ankle when I went to San Francisco end of April. The night we slept out in Crissy Field, for the Global Night Commute for Invisble Children.....well I didn't know the grass was going to be that wet (yes, its not a very exciting story)...while we were going downhill to see where we were going to lay out our sleeping bags...I slipped! but while taking the fall, I felt something click/tear in my ankle.

We laughed, but when i tried getting up...I couldn't. IT HURT! I mean, it was painful!!!! Anywho, long story short...I did go to the doctor (2 days later)....gave me some pills for the swelling and told me to stay OFF it for at least 4 days. But that I needed to rest for at least 8 days. Did i? nope. I tried the crutches, but those were more uncomfortable than anything. I felt silly using them just for a sprain.

Well, i limped for a long time. and you'll see a pic of David and Thelma here making fun of me. Well, I'm not limping anymore, but I still can't wear anything with a high heel. And its still uncomfortable going down the stairs...and don't ask me to run, because that's just pathetic!



hehe, ok...that's it!

Beginning of a new season

This past week i was in Mexico for Mexico Outreach. It was an amazing time. I wish I could write every single thing that happened and every single word that was said to me, but that would be A LOT. So, let me try to summarize a bit of what happened to me while there.

This year I went to the trip knowing that I needed God to give me something. As I have written in many past blogs here, I have been restless and knowing that I needed more. As we drove down to Mexico, I thought of how I was a year ago during this same trip. And the Johanna that I saw was not the Johanna that I have become. I realized that I missed who I used to be. I thought of the people that met me a year ago and wondered if they were expecting that Johanna, of course they were! So I started wondering and asking God, "what am I going to give this year?".....

My first night there during our "intents" time God broke me. After letting everything out and admitting the condition of my heart, the Lord moved in that tent. He told us to "come" that "he's been waiting".

From there the week was just confirmation after confirmation. God placed key people during those days that spoke to me and ministered to me. While they asked, "what is it that you are awaiting God to give you this week?" I simply said, "I have no idea, but I know it'll be amazing"....God had his plan. By Wednesday night He answered my prayer and showed me what he wanted. As he showed me the only thing left was to "enter in" to where he wanted me to be.

The season I had been living, which was not one that I wish to relive anytime soon, came to an end, and a new season was being formed and poured into my heart.

I would share with you what that is, but hopefully you'll see/hear me different from here on out. Basically it is time to live, it is time to feel alive. And the only way is to do His will, to please Him. People around might not understand, they might tell me that I am wrong, but it is time to step into what God has created for me.

This whole year I feel that I have compromised who I am and who I wanted to be to please those around me, but that led me nowhere.

And so this new season begins. A season that will be hard but I will be alive!

Keep me in prayer...seriously! and I'll write some more later on to fill you in in what I'll be doing now! uhhhh, exciting!

Mail to a friend...

Este es el email que le mande a Sandra. Y bueno, al escribirlo me di cuenta que dice BASTANTE de lo que e vivido y estoy viviendo. Haci que para mis amigos que hablan espanol, hehe, pues podran entender. Los que solo hablan ingles, pues nimodo. :P
.........................................................................

Me pregunto que va a pasar conmigo. Se que hay muchas promesas hacia mi vida, pero a como van las cosas ahorita, no se como o cuando iran a pasar.

Y empiezo a extranar y a desear retroceder el tiempo. Pero que estoy diciendo ahi? que vivo en el pasado? o que no suelto el pasado? O que no tengo las fuerzas o las ganas de vivir mi presente? Tengo que vivir mi presente, no se como, pero lo tengo que hacer. Y despues al pensar que estoy contentisima de tener a Toby! osea!!!!!!!! ese perrito me a dado una alegria y mucho mas que tenia bastante que no sentia. Un perro Sandra! que triste no? hehehe.

Y no se si es culpa mia que este como estoy. Tome decisiones incorrectas? Porque estoy como estoy? y no lo se.

Platicaba con mi abuelita hace unas semanas, y al platicar con ella le decia que se que traia algo, pero no sabia que era. Ella me dice, si sabes. Le dije que no, deberas que no. Y sale y me dice que lo que yo deseo es volver a sentirme como me sentia estando en Dallas con todos ustedes y lo que experimente en CFNI.Y me dice que ella solo le pedia a Dios que yo volviera a sonreir, que volviera a tener esa alegria que todos miraban en mi, que regresara la johanna que estaba llena de ilusiones y de suenos, que porque desde que llege de Dallas, ya no lo a visto en mi.

Bendita empeze a llorar cuando escuche a mi abuela decirme eso. Porque en una gran parte decia la verdad. Pero el saber que alguien mas me lo estaba diciendo, que no solo eran mis pensamientos sino como mi abuela me miraba! mas sentimiento me daba porque yo segun seguia siendo igual a sus ojos.

No le e contado esto a nadie. En si, porque no quiero que al decircelo a alguien, ellos tambien me digan que eso han visto en mi. Y no quiero llorar!!

Haci que vez porque habeces me e alejado o no te e buscado a ti o a otra gente? porque no tengo nada "bueno" que decir. Tengo solo todo esto que siento adentro. Y no se como hacer para cambiar. Nada aqui me llena, nadie aqui me a brindado su amistad como lo hicieron todos ustedes en Dallas.

(para. ommitted)

Entonces que voy a hacer? que puedo hacer? si, confio en Dios que todo obrara para bien. Me estoy poniendo metas. Y eso me ayuda. Pero por primera vez en mi vida, no se que va a pasar conmigo.

Y bueno bendita, esta es mi historia. Querias que te contara como estoy no? hehe, pues ya te conte. Gracias por estar ahi. Deberas que aunque no hablamos ya tan seguido, se que cuento contigo. Sabes, me hizo bien escribir todo esto. Hace mucho que no escribia lo que siento.

Recuerdas en Dallas que siempre escribia en la compu? en mi diario electronico, segun yo. hehe. Deje de escrbir ahi un poco despues que regrese a San Diego.

Ya pues, termino este email. Te quiero mucho y nos quedamos en contacto! MUAHHHHHH!

Towards my life

Its been a good week...I've been busy at work. So busy that I don't know what I'm doing "online" at this moment. Have I mentioned how blessed I am with work? God is good. I'll write about this later...but "Lord, thank you for G&G"... :P So, I've been writing lately...mainly about how I've been feeling. Ok, if you don't know how I've been feeling you can read "fading away" and "I'm not broken" hehe....trust me, those two blogs will give you a good idea of what I've been really going through. But God is so good you know that?. OH, i'm not saying that Pfffff, everything is better...no, but by talking to some family members right now, and getting an email here on myspace today from one of the leaders of the youth group I translated for last year...helped. I was reminded and maybe not so much reminded, but reaffirmed of what makes me come alive. So, instead of having my lil pitty party, day by day...I'll change my world....I'll be the voice and I'll be those feet needed to go. Maybe for now I won't go far, but I'll change my world, the one I live in everyday. So Invisible Children screening will take place. Give me couple of months to get things organized. Mexico, you won't go unheard either. I saw something last year there. A place that to many "its fine, they have all the help they need"....oh but they didn't. Not just physically, but spiritually they needed more that what they had. Again, I'm not saying "wow, I'm all better...." like I wrote in one of my previous blogs, we're human...and we also need to go through our ups and downs....BUT pressing forward, toward our calling.

Entering the new country

You have an idea of what the new country looks like. Still, you are very much at home, although not truly at peace, in the old country. You know the ways of the old country, its joys and pains, its happy and sad moments. You have spent most of your days there. Even though you know that you have not found there what your heart most desires, you remain quite attached to it. It has become part of your very bones.

Now you have come to realize that you must leave it and enter the new country, where your Beloved dwells. You know that what helped and guided you in the old country no longer works, but what else do you have to go by? You are being asked to trust that you will find what you need in the new country. That requires the death of what has been so precious to you: influence, success, yes, even affection and praise.

Trust is so hard, since you have nothing to fall back on. Still, trust is what is essential. The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable.

It seems that you keep crossing and re-crossing the border. For a while you experience a real joy in the new country. But then you feel afraid and start longing again for all you left behind, so you go back to the old country. To your dismay, you discover that the old country has lost its charm. Risk a few more steps into the new country, trusting that each time you enter it, you will feel more comfortable and be able to stay longer.

~Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love

thanks to those unexpected people that touch my life with their word, or in this case with what they write. Moon, thanks for this post.

I'm not broken!

you think I'm broken????? HA! think again, I'm not. Yes, there are moments when one might get discouraged. Yes there are moments when you don't know heck what you're doing or are supposed to be doing. Yes there are moments you just wish everybody would just go away! but that my friend is called being human, having emotions, having feelings. Yes I'm a bit in doubt of my life right now, that does not mean I'm doing terrible does it? NO! It means that I'm not going to fake a smile. I'm not going to tell you that everything is just GREAT, and I'm not going to make up stories or change what I'm doing just to make YOU "happy" for me. NOOOO, this is my life. If I need to be down, if I need some time off, LET ME HAVE MY TIME OFF! don't judge me! There are some things that regardless of your situation they don't change. And that's faith. Faith keeps you going, faith keeps you walking forward toward the unknown at times, but giving you the assurance that you will get to a destination. And my faith will not be moved. So please, don't be a phony to me. Don't be fake. YOU ARE ALSO HUMAN. You are NORMAL. You go through ups and downs, and its OKAY for you to show them sometimes. Gosh. Seriously! Let God do what He is doing. Do not judge, don't criticize....keep your two-cents. so if you're thinking you're better than me, because you're out there "doing-it", brother....this life is so much more than just that. It is our daily lifes, our daily experiences that make us stronger, make us who God has destined us to be. And in that process, people around will see where you were and where you're heading. They will see that you were just like them. And you pressed on, and you continued going....so do not judge me, because my life right now is touching someones life. And those lifes, will always be worth-while and precious to God.

Fading Away

Do you have a passion? if so you might understand me. For a long time I've known what my passion is, I've known what my hearts desire was. It was worship. Leading people into the presence of the most high God. Knowing that it wasn't just acts of worship but an experience in his very presence. And that experience changing who you were. That was what made me most joyous, most peaceful....and I can write today and tell you, I feel I'm loosing it. But how can I loose something that I held so dear? I'm trying to understand that myself. I know some would say that it wasn't passion then, but IT IS. I think back, just couple months ago, it still shook the very essence of my being. But I've allowed my surroundings to influence me. I've let myself fade away. Don't judge me, you don't know me. This hurts me in a way I will never show you. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Nothing around me contents me. I know that God is there waiting for me. And I question myself. I question what I've become. I'm not a bad person, I'm not out partying either, don't get the wrong idea. I'm not doing anything "wrong" per say. I'm just not doing anything. So keep me in your prayers please. If you still pray. Why are we going to lie. So if you've been in a similar situation....don't fade away. I know you're not truly content where you are, you know there is more, you've seen more, you've waited for more.